2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 23,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

First Name Basis

We never really met, but we did.  We never really talked, but we did.  You were just another face to me until you made me look twice and think twice every time you crossed my path.

Who are you?  I don’t know.  I do not know your favorite color, your pet peeve, or anything about you at all.  I never asked and you never told.  What I do know about you is that you are a hard worker, have a great memory, possess confidence, can multitask, smile as often as you can, walk fast, and have soft hands.

Who am I?  I wish I had a chance to ask you before I left.  I would have liked to hear what kind of person you think I am.  Now it’s too late.

We will fade from each other’s memories like all strangers do.  That’s the thing about interacting with strangers- we are left with vignettes of what was, what could have been, and what should have been.

Our second meeting, you asked for my name and never forgot it.  Our second to last meeting, I asked for your name and never forgot it.

We are first name basis strangers.  That’s what we were, are, and ever will be.

SF Day 2: Searching for a Place to Call Home

Today has been smoother than yesterday so far.  But I am very bored.  Independence comes at the price of loneliness.  I started out my day searching for apartments, places that had potential for me to call “home” in the near future.  A contrast from the slums I am in now, the places I looked at today appeared closer to my dreams and hopes when I first signed up to be in one of the most expensive cities to live in.  Slowly, I felt my dream come alive again.

Last night was a tough night.  I didn’t really sleep, it was one of those 50/50 sleeps where you’re half conscious and half sleeping.  I went to bed at 9:30 but never really went to sleep.  I kept hearing police sirens, ambulances, screaming and yelling, crying, and moans throughout the night.  And I woke up this morning to a fight between two homeless people which had to be broken up by a police officer… At 8:45 in the morning.

The more I think about, the more I feel ready to begin my life here.  Success doesn’t fall into the palms of our hands… We have to work past obstacles and really earn it.  The trouble with going so far away from home is not having a support system nearby and being alone all the time, which can be a really scary thing.  But it gives me the time to figure out what I want and what I’m looking for.

In a couple of days I will finally see what my career life will be like.  If I’m satisfied I will have to match my personal life with it… Starting with my own decent sized apartment.  I just can’t live two contrasting lives.  And I’ll have funds to stay at a decent place, so why not make the best of my time in SF? That’s all I’ve ever really wanted- a cozy, trendy, minimalistic apartment located within an appropriate distance from my workplace in the heart of a city.  Hopefully my dream can come true next year.

And if it doesn’t work out? I’m not sure yet, to be completely honest.  Maybe I can go back home to NY but that’s like starting back at one.  Manhattan won’t be any cheaper  and I will not go back to Long Island to start over.  I love LI and all but it’s where I grew up and it’s a small town kind of place.  I’m looking to spend my twenties in the city so that I can make something of myself, become a big shot, and earn $$$ so that I can afford a nice home in a good neighbourhood in the suburbs when I start my family.

Now, I’m sitting in the mall waiting to eat dinner before heading back to my room.  My feet are killing me from all the walking this morning.  Day 2 and I’ve got blisters already.  I’ve never treasured my parents, my home, my bed, a nice shower, and home cooked food as much as I do now.  I wish I could be with my parents and in the protection of their home now.  Everything really matters… Everything.  When you lose it all, you realise it.

SF Day 1: Unexpected Realities

It is the first day of an entire summer that I will be spending in SF.  Last summer I came to SF for the first time and immediately fell in love.  The atmosphere, the people, the weather… Everything just felt right.  As I prepared to spend this summer in SF, I felt a whole range of emotions that varied from wholehearted happiness to a sickening queasiness.  The closer I got to my move date, the more I felt unsure.  Is this what I really want?  What am I even looking for?  Am I doing the right thing?  I felt like a runaway bride on her wedding day doubting her whole life, her whole existence.

And then came today.  Even though the uneasiness still lingered throughout my mind and body, I felt strength and power knowing that this is it- I am doing this.  When I got here, I felt that sickening queasiness take over my body again.  I was suddenly drained of emotions, energy, and life.  A sense of disappointment took over me and I couldn’t help but think to myself, why am I here?  I didn’t have an answer anymore.

What was so disappointing?  I had high expectations and I forgot reality.  I imagined myself in a trendy place doing all the cool and exciting things a young student would be doing in the heart of a city.  Except I forgot the part about how SF is one of the least affordable places in the US and that there are high rates of homelessness here.  If you think about a caste system, I felt like I dropped to the bottom of the pyramid.  Alone, female, and lost- it’s scary.  The odds are stacked against me.

I took a walk and I was practically a zombie trudging around.  I felt so uncomfortable walking past homeless person after homeless person.  The smell made me cringe.  How did I willingly go from middle class NY girl to trying to survive in the outrageously priced city of SF, where the same amount of money will buy me a corner here as opposed to a studio apartment in NY?

Everything is still sinking in.  Not only has the contrast in standard of living bewildered me, but the fact that I am finally seeing first hand how the bottom of the bottom survive.  SF isn’t about living the wealthy life that I imagined I was getting myself into.  Rather, it’s about how a city can be so divided in just a couple of blocks.

These 8 weeks will be something so different from what I imagined and I really believe this experience will teach me something important.  This experience will truly be unique- I will be working in the financial district with big shots and seeing first hand how people survive in this city… In Tenderloin.

Because… what else is there?

In Reason to Believe,, Bruce Springsteen sings, At the end of every hard-earned day / people find some reason to believe. What’s your reason to believe?

Everything in our lives is held on a thin string- dangling and twirling in front of us until the string wears itself away, and drops into an ocean of hopes and dreams.  We all face the risk of losing something to the ocean.  Yet, we all sit on the edge, hanging tightly onto the strings that surround us.  It is because we believe.

There have been countless times when I have the urge to let go.  I let go of the strings that are dependent on me, and allow them to fall into the ocean.  Once I let go, I have nothing.  There is absolutely nothing left for me, and all I am left with is my reflection in the sea of what was once mine.

It is a frightening thing to imagine myself free of all attachments, just drifting along with the wind.  With nothing, I also have no reason, no purpose.  All I am left with is the distance between me and the ocean.  Emptiness on top of emptiness, it is not even worth it to measure the distance.

So I keep holding on.  I believe.  At the end of all of the strings is something that is mine.  I have a reason, a purpose to use my tight grip.  The payoff is that I have something rather than nothing.  My reason to believe is simply believing that I have a reason.

1st Post of 2014 (Yay!): Ooze Confidence

Finally, I am kicking off this blog for 2014.  I meant to start blogging a long time ago, but school priorities have been keeping me busy.  Lately, I’ve been thinking about confidence and standing up for ourselves, in light of a conflict I am in the midst of.

I have always been taught to stand tall and confident, and to fight for what I believe in, no matter how difficult the fight is, and especially if I have been treated unfairly.  And I practice what I learn.  However, most people, I have learned, give up in reality.  They claim they are high and mighty behind the scenes, but when it is showtime, they fall back into the shadows.  I have asked “why” so many times, only to get one of the following responses: “no one would listen to my side anyway”, “I am too busy to deal with it, karma will get them”, “I don’t really care anymore”, “I’m not affected by it”, and “there’s nothing to argue.”  It is like a rock hit these people and they suddenly forgot what they so strongly believed in.

I can partially understand.  Confidence and fighting back take a lot of effort and courage.  Back when I first practiced standing up for myself, I felt fear… fear of what?  Fear of retaliation, losing something, etc.  Over time, that fear went away.  What have I got to lose?  I am treated unfairly, and I will just let the other party get away with it?  I might as well just let them punch me in the face.  There is nothing to fear.  They have committed the wrong, and I am simply standing up for myself.  Am I wrong to point out the wrong?  No.  At the same time, I am aware that things change with different circumstances.  And to be honest, I hate the pyramid of power and dominance that has been ingrained into our society.  Sometimes, we are at a disadvantage because we fall into the bottom slice of this pyramid.  I’ll admit this much.

At the end of the day, I am still a fighter.  When there is a reason for me to stand up and make a point, I will.  I like to call this “justice.”  I have redefined the concept of justice for my own purposes because I don’t trust society’s form of justice anymore.  We live in a world where justice is bought by money, power is bought by money, everything is bought by money.  Having confidence and standing up for what I believe in is as much justice as I will get in this world, and I have accepted this.  Others apparently have a different perspective than me, but I encourage confidence in us all.  Stand up for yourself, please, don’t just sit there and let stones be thrown at you.

2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 14,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Daily Prompt: To Boldly Go…

An impending new year gives rise to reflection and goal setting. What will your goals for 2014 be? It’s never to early to start thinking about self improvement!

Let’s be realistic- how many of us have really reached one of our new year resolutions?  Not many.  We set unrealistic goals and when obstacles get in our way of reaching those goals, we simply give up and push them off to next year’s new year resolution.  And I’ll be honest- I am one of these people.

This year, I am going to change it up and actually fulfill my resolution.  I will not go with the trend of having many resolutions and not fulfilling any of them completely.  Rather, I will have one goal and I will reach it.  I will spend 2014 fulfilling that resolution passionately and fully.  Now, what exactly is this goal?  To get fit.

That’s right.  Being fit is caring for your body, your health (physically and mentally), and those around you.  2013 was a rough year that impacted my well-being as a whole and I definitely do not wish to return to that point.  I am already starting to make changes and I already feel so much better.  I can’t imagine how I will feel a year from now if I keep it up.  Some of the stuff that I am doing include eating organic and working out on a regular basis.  Nothing too crazy, but surprisingly, eating healthier and exercise can do wonders.  I feel more focused, happy, and unstressed.

It’s all about finding what works.  So I hope to continue to get fit and put myself in a new position in life.  And do not get me wrong- I still face frustrations and obstacles, but I have learned to deal with these stresses.  When I need to clear my mind and relax, I gym it.  😀

Sooo… reflecting on the me in 2013, I am not so proud of myself.  But I am happy where I am going and hope that it keeps getting better.