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Posts Tagged ‘diaries’

Today has been smoother than yesterday so far.  But I am very bored.  Independence comes at the price of loneliness.  I started out my day searching for apartments, places that had potential for me to call “home” in the near future.  A contrast from the slums I am in now, the places I looked at today appeared closer to my dreams and hopes when I first signed up to be in one of the most expensive cities to live in.  Slowly, I felt my dream come alive again.

Last night was a tough night.  I didn’t really sleep, it was one of those 50/50 sleeps where you’re half conscious and half sleeping.  I went to bed at 9:30 but never really went to sleep.  I kept hearing police sirens, ambulances, screaming and yelling, crying, and moans throughout the night.  And I woke up this morning to a fight between two homeless people which had to be broken up by a police officer… At 8:45 in the morning.

The more I think about, the more I feel ready to begin my life here.  Success doesn’t fall into the palms of our hands… We have to work past obstacles and really earn it.  The trouble with going so far away from home is not having a support system nearby and being alone all the time, which can be a really scary thing.  But it gives me the time to figure out what I want and what I’m looking for.

In a couple of days I will finally see what my career life will be like.  If I’m satisfied I will have to match my personal life with it… Starting with my own decent sized apartment.  I just can’t live two contrasting lives.  And I’ll have funds to stay at a decent place, so why not make the best of my time in SF? That’s all I’ve ever really wanted- a cozy, trendy, minimalistic apartment located within an appropriate distance from my workplace in the heart of a city.  Hopefully my dream can come true next year.

And if it doesn’t work out? I’m not sure yet, to be completely honest.  Maybe I can go back home to NY but that’s like starting back at one.  Manhattan won’t be any cheaper  and I will not go back to Long Island to start over.  I love LI and all but it’s where I grew up and it’s a small town kind of place.  I’m looking to spend my twenties in the city so that I can make something of myself, become a big shot, and earn $$$ so that I can afford a nice home in a good neighbourhood in the suburbs when I start my family.

Now, I’m sitting in the mall waiting to eat dinner before heading back to my room.  My feet are killing me from all the walking this morning.  Day 2 and I’ve got blisters already.  I’ve never treasured my parents, my home, my bed, a nice shower, and home cooked food as much as I do now.  I wish I could be with my parents and in the protection of their home now.  Everything really matters… Everything.  When you lose it all, you realise it.

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It is the first day of an entire summer that I will be spending in SF.  Last summer I came to SF for the first time and immediately fell in love.  The atmosphere, the people, the weather… Everything just felt right.  As I prepared to spend this summer in SF, I felt a whole range of emotions that varied from wholehearted happiness to a sickening queasiness.  The closer I got to my move date, the more I felt unsure.  Is this what I really want?  What am I even looking for?  Am I doing the right thing?  I felt like a runaway bride on her wedding day doubting her whole life, her whole existence.

And then came today.  Even though the uneasiness still lingered throughout my mind and body, I felt strength and power knowing that this is it- I am doing this.  When I got here, I felt that sickening queasiness take over my body again.  I was suddenly drained of emotions, energy, and life.  A sense of disappointment took over me and I couldn’t help but think to myself, why am I here?  I didn’t have an answer anymore.

What was so disappointing?  I had high expectations and I forgot reality.  I imagined myself in a trendy place doing all the cool and exciting things a young student would be doing in the heart of a city.  Except I forgot the part about how SF is one of the least affordable places in the US and that there are high rates of homelessness here.  If you think about a caste system, I felt like I dropped to the bottom of the pyramid.  Alone, female, and lost- it’s scary.  The odds are stacked against me.

I took a walk and I was practically a zombie trudging around.  I felt so uncomfortable walking past homeless person after homeless person.  The smell made me cringe.  How did I willingly go from middle class NY girl to trying to survive in the outrageously priced city of SF, where the same amount of money will buy me a corner here as opposed to a studio apartment in NY?

Everything is still sinking in.  Not only has the contrast in standard of living bewildered me, but the fact that I am finally seeing first hand how the bottom of the bottom survive.  SF isn’t about living the wealthy life that I imagined I was getting myself into.  Rather, it’s about how a city can be so divided in just a couple of blocks.

These 8 weeks will be something so different from what I imagined and I really believe this experience will teach me something important.  This experience will truly be unique- I will be working in the financial district with big shots and seeing first hand how people survive in this city… In Tenderloin.

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