Posts Tagged ‘life’

We never really met, but we did.  We never really talked, but we did.  You were just another face to me until you made me look twice and think twice every time you crossed my path.

Who are you?  I don’t know.  I do not know your favorite color, your pet peeve, or anything about you at all.  I never asked and you never told.  What I do know about you is that you are a hard worker, have a great memory, possess confidence, can multitask, smile as often as you can, walk fast, and have soft hands.

Who am I?  I wish I had a chance to ask you before I left.  I would have liked to hear what kind of person you think I am.  Now it’s too late.

We will fade from each other’s memories like all strangers do.  That’s the thing about interacting with strangers- we are left with vignettes of what was, what could have been, and what should have been.

Our second meeting, you asked for my name and never forgot it.  Our second to last meeting, I asked for your name and never forgot it.

We are first name basis strangers.  That’s what we were, are, and ever will be.

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Sinking of you

If you could read a book containing all that has happened and will ever happen in your life, would you? If you choose to read it, you must read it cover to cover.

Looking at my past, present, and future… is one of my greatest fears.  I am afraid to revisit the past- the good, the bad, and the weird.  I am afraid to see what I am now.  I am afraid of what I do not know yet.

The Past: What good is it to look back in time?  The good memories will bring smiles and laughter but the bad memories will bring back feelings of pain, hatred, and bitterness.  I take what I can from the past and move forward, hoping to experience even more happiness and remembering to not make the same mistakes.

The Present: There is an internal repulsion... But I am not opposed to reading about my present because I can make changes for my future.

The Future:  The worst of the three… Of course my curiosity drives me to want to know… but can I know?  I do not know if I am scared of the unknown or excited to find out what the unknown is, but something tells that I am not allowed to know.  My fate, my future has been set and I just have to go along with the ride and find out what happens on the way- eventually the future becomes my present and I travel along this idea until I reach the end-

The travel from the past to the future is a mysterious and interesting one… And not knowing what’s along the way- well, it’s a bit of a gift.  Why?  Because we are kept hopeful.  We are left to our imagination and a glint of excitement will always be in us because we look forward to the next day and what we have in store for us.  Sometimes we are disappointed… but disappointments are only obstacles that are thrown at us to see just how much we can take… and to teach us valuable lessons.

Finishing the book and knowing it all- what can I do?  I mean… yea I know my life story, even the ending, but I won’t be able to change the ending… and what if it’s the ending I don’t desire?  Who even gave me a choice??  Knowing will only make me greedy-

And so I guess what I’m really afraid of in this book about my life is the future, the unknown.  I’d rather leave the book closed and not start it in the first place… because I might be disappointed in the ending that was written for me.  I want to live life with a little bit of curiosity, knowing I have some surprises on the way, and quite frankly… with some mistakes.

The End.

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Urban Dictionary Definition of White Trash:

Slang term for white people that usually live in a trailer park. With low incomes that spend their tax returns on things like big screen TV’s instead of clothes for their kids. These people tend to be mouthy and fight frequently. Generally these people are uneducated and have little concern for personal hygiene. To see these people at their best watch Jerry Springer.

Okay, so this isn’t EXACTLY the white trash that I’m talking about, but they belong in the same category of white trash (more or less).

And the part that makes me twitch is that I live with white trash. *twitch*  Just so we’re clear, I don’t live in a trailer park with dirty people- rather I live in a community of older generation white women, divorcees, and people who love to isolate themselves with dogs.

My complaint about older generation white women- well, I think this one is pretty clear.  Older generation Caucasians are known to be very “traditional”- in other words, they’re racist as hell!  I didn’t think that this was true… until I started living with a bunch of them in my community!  Don’t get me wrong, some old people are great and enjoyable to spend time with- but these women I live with, THEY ARE WHITE TRASH.  All they do is gossip like teenagers in high school and pick on non-Caucasians (ehem. like me and my family).  Seriously, these grannies need to get a hobby other than being “mouthy.”  Can’t they be like other old people and just read books and knit in a rocking chair in their apartments???  And then there are also the old women who go around “dating” and bragging about their “boyfriends.”  Okay, these oldies have grandchildren and they’re 65+… it’s kind of gross to hear them say “my boyfriend (◕‿◕✿)” and see them constantly run in and out of their apartments with their grampy boyfriends.  I swear… it’s like seeing teenagers date for the first time… only these “teenagers” are 65+.  SPEND TIME WITH YOUR GRANDCHILDREN AND FAMILY INSTEAD OF YOUR GRAMPY BOYFRIEND.

And divorcees sound regular… but the divorcees here are weird.  I can’t even describe it- they’re young too so they can date around again… but they don’t (they should switch mindsets with those old grannies who have boyfriends) and choose to isolate themselves in their apartments… they don’t talk to anyone and just hermit all day every day.  Now if they just hermit all day, that’s fine, but THEY FREAKING TREAT THE COMMUNITY LIKE A BIG GARBAGE DUMP.  They always leave large smelly packs of garbage NEXT to the dumpster, not IN the dumpster.  Um-

Last set of white trash- the dog lovers.  Sounds innocent enough- NOPE.  They own like 10 dogs each and walk them around the community every 20 seconds and make them pee and poop everywhere on the grass.

That is just nasty.  Like seriously, if they’re going to complain about the grass being dead, think… THINK… about what causes it to die.  EXCESSIVE DOG PEE AND POOP KILLS THE LITTLE MOTHER NATURE WE HAVE IN NEW YORK, okay?  Maybe spread the pee out or something if the dogs MUST pee on the grass… because peeing in the same spot… that’s just dumb.  And the poop.  I really don’t get the poop.  Pick it up and put it in the dumpster please.  It’s really not THAT hard and besides, if they really love your dog, their poop shouldn’t gross them out.  The same rule applies to parents and I don’t see this problem among kids- do you see kids squatting and leaving puddles of pee and poop solids around in parks?  Yea exactly.

I am so sick of living here- and I really hate that we can’t even move because the economy is so bad that NO ONE WANTS TO BUY OUR PLACE.  I want to leave this white trash community… 빨리 빨리!  I hate the people here, I hate the poop on the grass, and I hate white trash.

Long Island is cool and all, but I am definitely not sticking around here for long.

Too much white trash to deal with and I’ve had enough with them.

I heard Canada has less trash in general- that’s why I’m considering heading north!


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Primary Sources 1

A Moment to Remember ( 머리 속의 지우개).2 Dir. John H. Lee, Cha Seoung-jae. CJ             Entertainment, 2004.

Audition (オーディション).3 Dir. Takashi Miike, Satoshi Fukushima. Vitagraph Films, 2000.

Cabot, Meg. The Princess Diaries.4 New York: HarperTeen, 2001.

Chou, Jay.5 Still Fantasy (依然范特西). Sony Music Taiwan, 2006.

DBSK (東方神起). Mirotic (주문).6 SM Entertainment, 2008.

Picoult, Jodi. The Pact.7 New York: Harper Perennial, 1999.

Spencer, LaVyrle. Separate Beds.8 New York: Jove, 1986.

Super Junior (슈퍼주니어).9 Bonamana (미인아). SM Entertainment, 2010.


1 Hatched on April 28, 1993 in New York, I began my clumsy adventure in search of who “[Kokoseyo]” was.  As a child, I had no other interests except art, specifically fashion designing.  Choosing to do nothing else but draw all day long, I was quite a boring child.  Then, one day, my parents reminded me that I need food to survive and that working as a fashion designer was not going to be enough for me to put food on the table.  Once I dropped fashion designing and began to poke and prod around other activities, I found a different side of myself.  The journey to  discover who I really am is not yet complete.  But, I have traveled a long way since my isolated fashion designing days.

2 All through my elementary and middle school years, I spent every Saturday and Sunday scribbling solutions to difficult math problems.  Sometimes I could not help but look outside the window and see my neighbors playing in their backyard while I was stuck inside working out of a math book.  I could not even pretend to work or shove the book aside and do something else because my dad checked all of my math work; I considered this child labour.  The only thing I was allowed to do during my “break” was play the piano.  When Dad looked over my hard work, he would point out every mistake I made, even if it was a minor one.  It sucked to have no choice but to sit there and listen to my dad explain the “correct way” to solve such and such problems, while my peers were riding bicycles, watching Spongebob Squarepants, etc.  By the time I entered high school, my dad finally gave me more freedom; this was due, in part, to the fact that I had completed every math workbook that was available at the library.  Though I was frustrated with the work as a child, I grew to be proud of my efforts as my high school math courses increasingly became difficult.  When my classmates struggled to understand a topic in class, I knew it like my own birthday.  For the first time, I was thankful of having such a strict and math-loving dad.  Even when I had problems with certain questions here and there, I had a dad who could assist me at any given moment.

Over the years, Dad aged.  His myelin sheath began to wear, essentially affecting his originally sharp math skills.  All Dad does now is watch television and sleep.  He’s forgetful and introverted.  There is an eraser in his head.  “Once your memory is gone, your soul is gone as well.”

3 When I was fourteen years old, I developed an obsession with horror films.  Actually, I would have started watching horror movies earlier, but I did not have the luxury of high-speed internet.  Watching American horror was not enough.  I would be scared for a moment or two, but the feeling came and went.  I was seeking horror films that were going to leave me sleepless and give me nightmares.  Every time I watched a Japanese horror movie, I felt a high.  Starting with Japan’s horror film of the decade, “Audition,” I was captivated by the torture scene at the end and the infamous “body bag” scene.  The movie was so spine tingling that I had to turn away from my computer screen as the man’s foot was being sawed off.  However, I wanted more horror movies.  So I searched for every Japanese horror film that was available on YouTube and Crunchyroll.  When I watched all that there was, I moved on to Korean horror movies.  Everyday, I craved for more horror movies.  Japanese and Korean horror was gorier than American horror; they satisfied my craving for blood and increased my adrenaline.

4 In the third grade, my then best friend and I pretended we were princesses in other worlds that we made up.  We had different teachers, so the only time we were able to talk during school was recess.  While everyone else was on the swings or playing on the jungle gym, we isolated ourselves by these two lone trees- one was my tree and the other was her tree.  All we had to do was touch our fingers to the trunk of the trees to travel to our own imaginary worlds.  Everyday, we took turns going to each other’s “worlds.”  Her world was known as “Dreamland.”  In “Dreamland,” she was the princess and I was her guest.  There, we were able to do anything we dreamt of, so we would prance around and do somersaults.  My world was called “Wishland.”  Similar to the concept of “Dreamland,” I was the princess this time and she was my guest.  “Wishland,” rather than being a carefree and childish place like “Dreamland,” was a world where we would lay on the grass and rest.  Sprawled on the fresh grass and protected under the shade of the “Wishland” tree, we would reminisce about our memories together and about our personal life- the time we went to Boomers and I was too short to drive a cart, so she gave me one of her sandals, the boy that she had a crush on but was too afraid to approach, or what potions we could concoct the next time we had a sleepover.  In “Dreamland” and “Wishland,” it was just the two of us-best friends- with no other thoughts but our childish fancies.

5 My mother is a homemaker.  She is always home cleaning, cooking, and caring for me and my sister.  I spent so much time with her that I am still very attached to her.  She was the one who taught me ABC’s and how to add and subtract.  On top of that, she also taught me a bunch of other little things as I was learning how to speak.  When Dad yelled at me and smacked my forehead for not getting math problems correct, Mom would come to my defense and take those feelings of hurt away.  That time I touched the stove and burned my finger, she gently placed a band-aid around it.  That time I touched a light bulb and burned my finger, once again, Mom yelled at Dad for not watching me.  That time I fell off the kitchen counter and had a bad nosebleed, Mom rolled some tissues to stuff in my nostrils.

Searching for a way out of Communist China, Mom found a way to Macau and then America, her ultimate goal.  She wanted to come to America to give her children the best opportunities available.  Here, she did everything in her power to raise me and my sister to be respectable and filial daughters.  “Listen to mother’s words, don’t let her get hurt.  You want to grow up quickly so that you can take care of her.  Beautiful white hair, growing inside happiness.  Angel’s magic benevolence within her gentleness.”

6 Up until early last year, I only listened to American, Taiwanese, and Japanese music.  For some reason, I never cared to try Korean music, even though I had heard that they have amazing choreography accompanying their music.  One evening, I was cruising on my Facebook, when someone posted up the latest DBSK video, “Mirotic.”  Bored, I was tempted to watch the video.  After watching the music video, I was blown away by the amount of talent DBSK had.  The choreography was extremely complex and the beat was very catchy.  From here on, I changed into a new person.  I was more involved in the Asian entertainment business than ever!  It was weird because one music video, one song, made me respect the Korean culture in a new way.  There is no other word to describe my craze but “obsession.”  Following “Mirotic,” I was on a hunt for other DBSK songs and Korean entertainers.  My friends were so shocked at my change that they asked me “what happened?!”  Beyond Korean music, I grew to like the Korean culture, as a whole, more and more.  I felt the desire to learn the language, eat their food, and experience their lifestyle.  Finally, this summer, I will be traveling to South Korea for a cultural experience- the opportunity I have been waiting so long for.

7 Ever since I was a child, I did not enjoy reading.  Though my parents made me take out books to read, I was never captivated by them.  To me, books were just packets of paper filled with nonsense letters and pointless plots.  The fact was that most of these books were fiction!  I never understood how reading about something that did not even happen was “interesting.”  Despite that I loathed reading, I did it anyway because school work required me to.  Bored, I would skim through chapters and take “breaks” from reading.

When I was in the seventh grade, there was a book recommendation in the New York Post for The Pact by Jodi Picoult.  The summary in the advertisement caught my attention.  For once, I wanted to read something.  As weird as it may seem, after reading this book, I regretted wasting all those years not reading!  People always say that there is magic in reading; though it is sad to say, I finally found the magic of books when I was in the seventh grade.  Books, it seemed, explained things, things that made no sense on any normal occasion.  But, once I read, there were hidden messages and ideas that the author was hinting at.  On many occasions, the different themes of each book helped me understand life from different perspectives.

I spent the rest of that summer entangled in Jodi Picoult books.  Reading every book she had written to date, I was so intrigued with her stories.  By the time I had finished reading all of her books, I grew an appreciation towards reading and English class.  Like never before, I actually listened in English and felt a closer connection to the books I was assigned to read.  Books were no longer distant objects in my life, they were symbols of a new passion I developed.  After Jodi Picoult, I pursued other “thought- inspiring” pieces of work, such as Gone with the Wind, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, Anna Karenina, etc.

8 One of my hobbies is watching dramas.  Early 2008, I began a drama known as “Fated to Love You.”  This drama followed a period of time in my life where I stopped watching dramas for awhile.  I was bored with the same love stories repeated in Taiwanese dramas.  Plus, the silliness in these dramas was getting ridiculous.  I was seeking dramas with more meaning in them, perhaps ones with themes and morals.  “Fated to Love You” introduced something I had never thought about before: fate.  Every person I meet in life is important in some way; they add to my life and make it what it is.

I used to be easily frustrated by my mistakes.  Things that I did wrong never left my thoughts, rather, they remained as a reminder of how stupid I was at one point or another.  Regrets haunted me all the time.  However, I never thought that my life was controlled by something called fate.  Is my life planned out already?  Did fate set everything up to get me to a specific destination?  The strangers that I met and have yet to meet, are they a key to another event in my life?

9 My iTunes was always dominated by soft rock and pop songs.  I was never the type to enjoy upbeat dance music.  For one, it hurt my ears and the music sounded choppy and unflattering.  Especially, I hated techno sounds because it was not real singing.  There are singers with beautiful voices, but choose to hide it with robotic technology.

“Bonamana” was my first experience with a new genre of music.  I am a huge fan of Super Junior, but their new style of music shocked me.  When “Bonamana” was first released, I was surprised at the change in their style of music.  They were experimenting with something called “SJ Funk” and “Bonamana” was supposed to represent this new genre of music.  I neither hated the song, nor liked it at first; my initial reaction was a blank stare.  Something inside me told me to hate the fact that my favorite band was singing a song in the exact type of music I disliked.  On the other hand, I wanted to hit the “replay” button and get up and dance to the song.  Confusion- that was what I felt.

Music is a funny thing.  Especially when it is made by Super Junior.  Beyond “Bonamana,” which I absolutely adore now, I have been and am crazy for anything by Super Junior.  Many people do not think that musicians can change them, but I beg to differ.  Loving Super Junior has  made me do many things I would not have done.  Take “Bonamana” as an example- I never thought that I would listen to upbeat, party music.  It has also been quite an experience learning to dance to some of their songs.  I never enjoyed dancing, until I came across Super Junior.  And everyone can remember their first celebrity crush.  I mean, a celebrity crush is an experience that everyone should have.  Well, Kyuhyun is my first serious celebrity crush.  I’ll be honest, I have never liked a celebrity more than Kyuhyun.  It’s quite funny because I know I am such a “fangirl,” but I cannot help but save pictures of Kyu and create collages with them, or write long blog posts about him.  I bet ten to twenty years from now, I’ll be laughing at my behavior.  For now, Kyu is my perfect idol.  We have so much in common, beginning with our names…

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Family is a very important aspect of my life.  I’ve realized this concept in its entirety yesterday.  My mom, dad, and sister are the three most important people in my life.  What would I do without one of them?

Up until now, I’ve heard all that crap about cherishing your family and stuff because you won’t be able to get them back after they are gone and blah blah blah… But I never actually THOUGHT about all of that until recently.

Every day, every minute, every second that I spend with my family members is important because what will happen if an “accident” happens one day and I lose one of them… I’d regret…  I’d regret not being nice enough to them, not listening to them, not talking enough to them.  Regret… that’d be all I feel.  And it’s the worst feeling a person can experience.  Regret is not even something that we can just “move on from.”  People always say that they live with no regrets… they just move on and try to improve their future.  That’s a lie because no one can just “clear” their mind of such things.  Memories stay with you forever, even if you try to escape them.

Regret, such a powerful word, an emotion we cannot avoid or surpass.  Despite the fact that sometimes we fight with the people we love most, we cannot live as if they’ll always be there the next time we decide to finally talk to them.  We must treasure those we love… hold onto them like there’s no tomorrow.  It’s the only way to keep those that we love by our side and get the most out of life.

Unfortunately, death is inevitable.  It’ll come after our loved ones soon enough, and that is the terrifying aspect of “death” himself.

I once heard someone ask, “Would you rather live a fun and exciting, but short life, or a monotonous but long life?”  I didn’t quite take in the question then… I simply overlooked the question…  But now, I’ve realized the meaning in this question.  It has dawned on me that there is nothing good about a fun, exciting life.  Sure, you get to live your life to its fullest, but what’s the point if you have to leave this world so quickly…  Is it really worth it?  To me, a monotonous life appears to be more meaningful….  Sure, there is none of that fun and drama, but there’s nothing wrong with taking your time to view the beauties of life.  A simple, slow moving, and long life.  Isn’t that ideal for someone to spend the rest of their life with the people they love the most?

My only wish is to live a long, happy life.  Even if it’s simple and boring I don’t mind.  I’d rather live simply with the most natural lifestyle a person can live.  Being surrounded by the people I love and living healthy is all I’m worried about.  Simple… Simplicity is the key to happiness.

Will my wish be granted?

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The Touch of Life

It was today that I felt life for the first time.  It was a magical, spine-tingling feeling that no words can describe.  A change that forever changes a single soul.
I woke up this morning, totally unaware that I would come face to face with life.  Even as I walked into the newborn nursery, I had no idea what I would even do in there.  And then, unexpectedly, I was asked to hold the baby’s hands down.  At first, I was confused because I thought I would never be allowed to touch those little infants since they are so prone to germs and sickness.  But, today, I was allowed.  And as I placed my hand lightly over the child’s little shoulder and arm, my index finger happened to land right in his little fist.  When he started to squirm, his tiny fingers closed around my index finger.  Because my finger was humongous compared to his little hand, his whole hand was the size of half of my finger.  It was so cute when his little fist gently squeezed my finger.  I wanted to giggle so bad because it was so funny to see something that small compared to my huge finger (which isn’t that big because my hands are pretty small compared to that of other people my age).
Hehehe… it was also very funny when the wires of the machine got caught in his tiny hands and he grabbed them and refused to let go!  That was so cute because a newborn was already getting competitive and feisty!
After this episode today, I definitely decided that I want to have my own babies in the future.  They are cute and funny little creatures.  I know I’m only 16 and a little too young to think about all of this, but it’s something that means a lot to me and I’m not going to change my mind in the future.  And despite the fact that kids are difficult to deal with as they grow up, I think by the time I make the decision to have kids, I’ll be ready to deal with them.  🙂

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