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Posts Tagged ‘writing’

Today has been smoother than yesterday so far.  But I am very bored.  Independence comes at the price of loneliness.  I started out my day searching for apartments, places that had potential for me to call “home” in the near future.  A contrast from the slums I am in now, the places I looked at today appeared closer to my dreams and hopes when I first signed up to be in one of the most expensive cities to live in.  Slowly, I felt my dream come alive again.

Last night was a tough night.  I didn’t really sleep, it was one of those 50/50 sleeps where you’re half conscious and half sleeping.  I went to bed at 9:30 but never really went to sleep.  I kept hearing police sirens, ambulances, screaming and yelling, crying, and moans throughout the night.  And I woke up this morning to a fight between two homeless people which had to be broken up by a police officer… At 8:45 in the morning.

The more I think about, the more I feel ready to begin my life here.  Success doesn’t fall into the palms of our hands… We have to work past obstacles and really earn it.  The trouble with going so far away from home is not having a support system nearby and being alone all the time, which can be a really scary thing.  But it gives me the time to figure out what I want and what I’m looking for.

In a couple of days I will finally see what my career life will be like.  If I’m satisfied I will have to match my personal life with it… Starting with my own decent sized apartment.  I just can’t live two contrasting lives.  And I’ll have funds to stay at a decent place, so why not make the best of my time in SF? That’s all I’ve ever really wanted- a cozy, trendy, minimalistic apartment located within an appropriate distance from my workplace in the heart of a city.  Hopefully my dream can come true next year.

And if it doesn’t work out? I’m not sure yet, to be completely honest.  Maybe I can go back home to NY but that’s like starting back at one.  Manhattan won’t be any cheaper  and I will not go back to Long Island to start over.  I love LI and all but it’s where I grew up and it’s a small town kind of place.  I’m looking to spend my twenties in the city so that I can make something of myself, become a big shot, and earn $$$ so that I can afford a nice home in a good neighbourhood in the suburbs when I start my family.

Now, I’m sitting in the mall waiting to eat dinner before heading back to my room.  My feet are killing me from all the walking this morning.  Day 2 and I’ve got blisters already.  I’ve never treasured my parents, my home, my bed, a nice shower, and home cooked food as much as I do now.  I wish I could be with my parents and in the protection of their home now.  Everything really matters… Everything.  When you lose it all, you realise it.

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It is the first day of an entire summer that I will be spending in SF.  Last summer I came to SF for the first time and immediately fell in love.  The atmosphere, the people, the weather… Everything just felt right.  As I prepared to spend this summer in SF, I felt a whole range of emotions that varied from wholehearted happiness to a sickening queasiness.  The closer I got to my move date, the more I felt unsure.  Is this what I really want?  What am I even looking for?  Am I doing the right thing?  I felt like a runaway bride on her wedding day doubting her whole life, her whole existence.

And then came today.  Even though the uneasiness still lingered throughout my mind and body, I felt strength and power knowing that this is it- I am doing this.  When I got here, I felt that sickening queasiness take over my body again.  I was suddenly drained of emotions, energy, and life.  A sense of disappointment took over me and I couldn’t help but think to myself, why am I here?  I didn’t have an answer anymore.

What was so disappointing?  I had high expectations and I forgot reality.  I imagined myself in a trendy place doing all the cool and exciting things a young student would be doing in the heart of a city.  Except I forgot the part about how SF is one of the least affordable places in the US and that there are high rates of homelessness here.  If you think about a caste system, I felt like I dropped to the bottom of the pyramid.  Alone, female, and lost- it’s scary.  The odds are stacked against me.

I took a walk and I was practically a zombie trudging around.  I felt so uncomfortable walking past homeless person after homeless person.  The smell made me cringe.  How did I willingly go from middle class NY girl to trying to survive in the outrageously priced city of SF, where the same amount of money will buy me a corner here as opposed to a studio apartment in NY?

Everything is still sinking in.  Not only has the contrast in standard of living bewildered me, but the fact that I am finally seeing first hand how the bottom of the bottom survive.  SF isn’t about living the wealthy life that I imagined I was getting myself into.  Rather, it’s about how a city can be so divided in just a couple of blocks.

These 8 weeks will be something so different from what I imagined and I really believe this experience will teach me something important.  This experience will truly be unique- I will be working in the financial district with big shots and seeing first hand how people survive in this city… In Tenderloin.

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Art

In Reason to Believe,, Bruce Springsteen sings, At the end of every hard-earned day / people find some reason to believe. What’s your reason to believe?

Everything in our lives is held on a thin string- dangling and twirling in front of us until the string wears itself away, and drops into an ocean of hopes and dreams.  We all face the risk of losing something to the ocean.  Yet, we all sit on the edge, hanging tightly onto the strings that surround us.  It is because we believe.

There have been countless times when I have the urge to let go.  I let go of the strings that are dependent on me, and allow them to fall into the ocean.  Once I let go, I have nothing.  There is absolutely nothing left for me, and all I am left with is my reflection in the sea of what was once mine.

It is a frightening thing to imagine myself free of all attachments, just drifting along with the wind.  With nothing, I also have no reason, no purpose.  All I am left with is the distance between me and the ocean.  Emptiness on top of emptiness, it is not even worth it to measure the distance.

So I keep holding on.  I believe.  At the end of all of the strings is something that is mine.  I have a reason, a purpose to use my tight grip.  The payoff is that I have something rather than nothing.  My reason to believe is simply believing that I have a reason.

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2014

An impending new year gives rise to reflection and goal setting. What will your goals for 2014 be? It’s never to early to start thinking about self improvement!

Let’s be realistic- how many of us have really reached one of our new year resolutions?  Not many.  We set unrealistic goals and when obstacles get in our way of reaching those goals, we simply give up and push them off to next year’s new year resolution.  And I’ll be honest- I am one of these people.

This year, I am going to change it up and actually fulfill my resolution.  I will not go with the trend of having many resolutions and not fulfilling any of them completely.  Rather, I will have one goal and I will reach it.  I will spend 2014 fulfilling that resolution passionately and fully.  Now, what exactly is this goal?  To get fit.

That’s right.  Being fit is caring for your body, your health (physically and mentally), and those around you.  2013 was a rough year that impacted my well-being as a whole and I definitely do not wish to return to that point.  I am already starting to make changes and I already feel so much better.  I can’t imagine how I will feel a year from now if I keep it up.  Some of the stuff that I am doing include eating organic and working out on a regular basis.  Nothing too crazy, but surprisingly, eating healthier and exercise can do wonders.  I feel more focused, happy, and unstressed.

It’s all about finding what works.  So I hope to continue to get fit and put myself in a new position in life.  And do not get me wrong- I still face frustrations and obstacles, but I have learned to deal with these stresses.  When I need to clear my mind and relax, I gym it.  😀

Sooo… reflecting on the me in 2013, I am not so proud of myself.  But I am happy where I am going and hope that it keeps getting better.

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After watching this week’s episode of Law & Order: SVU, I was reminded of Rep. Todd Akin’s “legitimate rape” theory.  When his controversial statement first went public, I disregarded the entire thing as trash.  I gave no attention to Todd Akin and “legitimate rape” because I didn’t want to waste my time contemplating such a garbage and ridiculous statement.

Less than a year later, here I am, putting some time and thought into this “legitimate rape” theory.  The expert witness on SVU testified that “the body shuts down ovulation under stress of legitimate rape.”  And wait- it gets better- one juror actually bought this nonsense and obstructed the conviction… of a rapist.

Here’s my problem: Todd Akin apologized and “took back” his words because he was hurting the Republican party AND Mitt Romney.  But I’m sure Akin still believes in legitimate rape… I mean, it takes more than a public outrage to change a person’s personal opinion.  With that said, there is probably a handful… or a group of… people out there who believe in this legitimate rape myth that has been chiefly propagandized by Dr. John Willke.  Willke has been published in fringe anti-abortion journals and strongly promotes the notion that women rarely become pregnant after being raped because of natural physiological defenses against pregnancy.

Ok, so we are supposed to believe that rape victims can control whether or not they get pregnant after a rape… because apparently they are so emotionally traumatized that their eggs can’t be fertilized… by mind control.  Yes- and I just became the Queen of Nova Scotia.

When a woman sticks to her story and says she was raped, we can at least give her the benefit of the doubt and fairly see the case in court.  And if she’s pregnant and decides to keep the baby, well that sits as evidence of the rape.  Certainly… it does not mean that because she is pregnant, she wasn’t raped.  There just… isn’t logic connecting the two ends.

If anything, this whole “legitimate rape” theory seems to kick itself repeatedly.  Think about it this way- let’s say legitimate rape is true.  Well, we can’t really count on physiological functions to be accurate all the time because things happen.  And so a woman gets raped, her physiological reaction is “broken” at the time and she gets pregnant by her rapist.  Now, she can’t cry rape because she’s pregnant… which means her rape wasn’t legitimate.  Shoot.  What does she do now?  ABORTION (maybe illegally depending on the laws in this “legitimate rape” world”).  Wait, I’m sorry, but isn’t this whole legitimate rape idea supporting pro-life?  I think that wall just fell down… just as the Berlin Wall collapsed…

The victim in SVU has to continually suffer and face her rapist (for child visitation rights) due to that one juror who believed in the botched theory.  So this is fiction, it’s going to happen in real-life one of these days.  And what if it happens to you?  to your friend?  to a family member?

There is absolutely no basis in Willke’s theory.  I am not really sure where he got those funky ideas from, but to be honest, one has to be pretty stupid to buy it.  And sure he is a doctor, but he is not a female.  What does he know about being raped and the consequences of rape (emotionally and physically)?  Does he really know what goes on in a woman’s mind and body during rape?  The answer is NO.  Only rape victims know… because they experience the torture first-hand.  Willke really has no right to judge whether or not a rape was legitimate.

Please don’t believe this “legitimate rape” trash… it’s like believing Nazism.

If you do, I just might have to pull out the “Chewbacca defense.”

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January 28

Today was the first day of classes for the Spring semester.  I should have felt excitement, eagerness, and nervousness… but I didn’t.  The only time I felt something was before my Cost Accounting class- and the feeling doesn’t even have an adjective.  It was just a rock sitting on my chest.  And my throat was a little itchy… but that’s all I felt.

For the past year and a half, I’ve felt nothing.  I can’t pinpoint exactly when I lost all feeling.  Some time in Korea- that’s when.  I was riding the bus home, it was dark out already.  I felt strange looking at my reflection in the window I was leaning against.  I realized that my life was falling into routine… and that I had lost control over my body.  I felt like an outsider watching my body move through the daily activities.  Each time I rode the bus after that, I thought about why I suddenly lost my ability to feel.

Time has passed and I am now a sophomore in college… yet I still haven’t regained my sense of feeling.  For some reason, today, this inability was heightened, if you know what I mean.  I felt like a machine just following directions, orders to do this and do that, say this and say that.  And more recently, I am beginning to find it hard to breathe sometimes.  Sometimes it’s a rock on my chest, like earlier today, and other times it’s something stuck in my throat, preventing my lungs from getting an air.

We take our sense of touch and feeling for granted.  I want- no.  I CRAVE to feel something these days, whether it be happiness, pain, or sadness.  It really doesn’t matter to me because I’ve been deprived of feeling for so long.  I need to feel something to remind me that I’m alive, that I’m still here.

Going through life with no care and no feeling is no way to live.  I’m just a ghost wandering around- apart from the world and the world apart from me.

Today is January 28 and I have no feelings today.  Just wanted to document this.

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 16,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 4 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

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