Posts Tagged ‘california’

Today has been smoother than yesterday so far.  But I am very bored.  Independence comes at the price of loneliness.  I started out my day searching for apartments, places that had potential for me to call “home” in the near future.  A contrast from the slums I am in now, the places I looked at today appeared closer to my dreams and hopes when I first signed up to be in one of the most expensive cities to live in.  Slowly, I felt my dream come alive again.

Last night was a tough night.  I didn’t really sleep, it was one of those 50/50 sleeps where you’re half conscious and half sleeping.  I went to bed at 9:30 but never really went to sleep.  I kept hearing police sirens, ambulances, screaming and yelling, crying, and moans throughout the night.  And I woke up this morning to a fight between two homeless people which had to be broken up by a police officer… At 8:45 in the morning.

The more I think about, the more I feel ready to begin my life here.  Success doesn’t fall into the palms of our hands… We have to work past obstacles and really earn it.  The trouble with going so far away from home is not having a support system nearby and being alone all the time, which can be a really scary thing.  But it gives me the time to figure out what I want and what I’m looking for.

In a couple of days I will finally see what my career life will be like.  If I’m satisfied I will have to match my personal life with it… Starting with my own decent sized apartment.  I just can’t live two contrasting lives.  And I’ll have funds to stay at a decent place, so why not make the best of my time in SF? That’s all I’ve ever really wanted- a cozy, trendy, minimalistic apartment located within an appropriate distance from my workplace in the heart of a city.  Hopefully my dream can come true next year.

And if it doesn’t work out? I’m not sure yet, to be completely honest.  Maybe I can go back home to NY but that’s like starting back at one.  Manhattan won’t be any cheaper  and I will not go back to Long Island to start over.  I love LI and all but it’s where I grew up and it’s a small town kind of place.  I’m looking to spend my twenties in the city so that I can make something of myself, become a big shot, and earn $$$ so that I can afford a nice home in a good neighbourhood in the suburbs when I start my family.

Now, I’m sitting in the mall waiting to eat dinner before heading back to my room.  My feet are killing me from all the walking this morning.  Day 2 and I’ve got blisters already.  I’ve never treasured my parents, my home, my bed, a nice shower, and home cooked food as much as I do now.  I wish I could be with my parents and in the protection of their home now.  Everything really matters… Everything.  When you lose it all, you realise it.

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It is the first day of an entire summer that I will be spending in SF.  Last summer I came to SF for the first time and immediately fell in love.  The atmosphere, the people, the weather… Everything just felt right.  As I prepared to spend this summer in SF, I felt a whole range of emotions that varied from wholehearted happiness to a sickening queasiness.  The closer I got to my move date, the more I felt unsure.  Is this what I really want?  What am I even looking for?  Am I doing the right thing?  I felt like a runaway bride on her wedding day doubting her whole life, her whole existence.

And then came today.  Even though the uneasiness still lingered throughout my mind and body, I felt strength and power knowing that this is it- I am doing this.  When I got here, I felt that sickening queasiness take over my body again.  I was suddenly drained of emotions, energy, and life.  A sense of disappointment took over me and I couldn’t help but think to myself, why am I here?  I didn’t have an answer anymore.

What was so disappointing?  I had high expectations and I forgot reality.  I imagined myself in a trendy place doing all the cool and exciting things a young student would be doing in the heart of a city.  Except I forgot the part about how SF is one of the least affordable places in the US and that there are high rates of homelessness here.  If you think about a caste system, I felt like I dropped to the bottom of the pyramid.  Alone, female, and lost- it’s scary.  The odds are stacked against me.

I took a walk and I was practically a zombie trudging around.  I felt so uncomfortable walking past homeless person after homeless person.  The smell made me cringe.  How did I willingly go from middle class NY girl to trying to survive in the outrageously priced city of SF, where the same amount of money will buy me a corner here as opposed to a studio apartment in NY?

Everything is still sinking in.  Not only has the contrast in standard of living bewildered me, but the fact that I am finally seeing first hand how the bottom of the bottom survive.  SF isn’t about living the wealthy life that I imagined I was getting myself into.  Rather, it’s about how a city can be so divided in just a couple of blocks.

These 8 weeks will be something so different from what I imagined and I really believe this experience will teach me something important.  This experience will truly be unique- I will be working in the financial district with big shots and seeing first hand how people survive in this city… In Tenderloin.

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Secret Escape

A sanctuary is a place you can escape to, to catch your breath and remember who you are. Write about the place you go to when everything is a bit too much.

Everyone needs a getaway once in awhile… or every so often in my case.  Since coming to San Diego, I felt like I lost control of my life.  Many people think that San Diego is an escape in itself- the perfect vacation location, a paradise heaven.  Well… not so much for me.  If anything, my life has been mostly miserable here and sometimes I question why I am still here.  I keep telling myself to push through 2.5 more years of college here and then I can… leave… at last.  Life here has become increasingly difficult within this past year.  Each passing day gets tougher and tougher and yet I cannot pack my bags and move on.  Life is full of responsibilities and decisions have consequences- so I am taking responsibility and dealing with the consequences.

Thankfully, I found my oasis here in San Diego to help me through the tough times.  When so many things in my life go wrong at once or people drive me to the edge… I go to my oasis.  There, I find my sanity and a reason to survive.

My oasis is at the edge of the world, dangling above bustling lives.  When I am there, I enjoy the constant blow of the gentle breeze that leaves my hair in a light tangle.  There is a comfort in watching the rest of the world speed past me while I am held, paused, in time.

Most of the time, the edge is mine- silent except the sound of the wind blowing and naturally empty.  The edge is also very cold.  I tell myself that it is cold because it is empty and lonely.  But I need to be alone, so I must accept the cold.

Sometimes I just sit on the edge and look around below me.  Other times, I lie on the edge of the world and watch the clouds travel across the sky with intermittent appearances of the leaves that dangle above me.  Whether I am sitting or lying down on the edge of the world, I close my eyes to escape the blinding slice of sunlight.  Once I close my eyes, I let everything go, leaving only silence and darkness.

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This was my first summer break from college, which meant that for the first time, I don’t have work due when I go back to school.  You would think that a free summer would be fantastic, but to be honest it wasn’t that great.  I used to imagine ALL the things I could be doing instead of summer work, but I’ve realized that those only stay in the imagination…

So let’s go over what I DID do this summer… and I’m pretty sure you’ll come to the same conclusion: BORING.

  1. I tried catching up on some shows/dramas- I watched City Hunter, BIG, and Project Runway Korea Seasons 1+2… and then I started to get bored of sitting on my butt all day watching shows.  Let’s just say that sitting in front of a computer screen all day takes a toll on the brain and eyes…
  2. I applied for many, many jobs… and was offered nothing… why?  BECAUSE I DON’T GO TO COLLEGE CLOSE ENOUGH. yea… apparently these employers want college students from the island… and since I go to school all the way in Cali, they can offer me nothing, nada.  Dang…. this is discrimination against far away college students.
  3. Working towards getting my driver’s license!  I have my road test in less than 2 weeks and I’ve been practicing driving with my pops and my driving instructor.  I’ve been trying to polish my parallel parking but it’s so hard to get it perfect.  >.<  I really, really hope to pass my road test the first time around so that I can get my license and be off on my merry way.  Wish me luck yallllll~
  4. Fixing this blog- a word of advice to all you bloggers: NEVER ABANDON YOUR BLOG(S).  Seriously.  I’ve been working so hard to dust off this blog, so much garbage I needed to clean up around here.  And everything’s been putting me in a doozy ((O_O)).
  5. PA work.  I’m going to be a PA this upcoming school year so I’ve had to complete some tasks… not fun… planning this and that and that and this… dude, the freshman better like me and the events I put together for them.
  6. Eating lots of yummy food I can’t eat when I’m away at college.  Honestly, NY has the best, THE BEST food.  Eating in Cali is just not the same- not many options… I mean, come to NY and you will understand.  But this isn’t good- I’m eating good food and sitting on my butt all day.  Do you know what this equation equals?  PACKIN’ ON DA POUNDS.  I am going back to school and jogging every morning.  I need to get into better shape and I will stick to the plan… for real this time… because I put it in this blog~~ O_<
  7. Sleeping -_- Hey, at least I’m replenishing some energy I lost while I was at school.

I wish I traveled somewhere this summer.  I would have felt much more productive…

o god o god~~ bringing in the tears~~ missing Korea again.  *sigh*

I wonder when I’ll be able to visit Korea again- seriously, that place felt right.  I need to go back.

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Growing Up

It’s weird to think that 13 years ago, I just began kindergarden.  Now, I am 17 going on 18 and heading off to college in the fall.  Time really does fly.

I remember my 5-year-old self getting picked up by a mini bus in front of my house.  With my “Little Mermaid” backpack and tamagotchi in hand, I headed off to kindergarden.  Life was pretty easy back then.  In school, the most effort I had to exert was making sure I cut shapes out correctly and not get glue on my clothes.  One time, I recall myself taking off my dress in the middle of the rug area during playtime.  Of course I had a t-shirt and shorts underneath… but then my teacher saw my dress stuck around my head and came over and pulled it down for me.  Haha~ And in first grade, I loved Lincoln Logs and reading time from the principal.  School days were filled with coloring activities and playtime.

Fast forward to today, and here I am filling out scholarship and honors college applications, working on homework from my AP classes, and preparing to leave home.  Life has really changed… I have really changed.  Thinking about my elementary days has made me realize how much I have changed.  I’ve made different friends, I’ve developed physically, and I’ve matured mentally.  I am a different person.

Now, you’re probably curious as to how this came up in my thoughts.  Well, yesterday on the bus, I was contemplating what scholarships I am applying for.  One of the scholarships is from my elementary school and during the Senior Awards Night later on in June, my elementary school principal will be there.  And so I started thinking about how much I’ve matured from a 5-year-old to an 18-year-old.

It amazes me how much time can pass in such little time.  This June, I will graduate high school and move onto the next stage of my life: adulthood.  In fact, I may be going as far as California (I am from New York).  So much change is happening and in a really short time.  It won’t surprise me that another 10 or so years will pass and I will be married with kids!  😉

Though some of this change has been positive and some negative, I really look forward to more change, hopefully for the better.  In essence, I’m excited… excited for California, my future, my hopes, my dreams.

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