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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 23,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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We never really met, but we did.  We never really talked, but we did.  You were just another face to me until you made me look twice and think twice every time you crossed my path.

Who are you?  I don’t know.  I do not know your favorite color, your pet peeve, or anything about you at all.  I never asked and you never told.  What I do know about you is that you are a hard worker, have a great memory, possess confidence, can multitask, smile as often as you can, walk fast, and have soft hands.

Who am I?  I wish I had a chance to ask you before I left.  I would have liked to hear what kind of person you think I am.  Now it’s too late.

We will fade from each other’s memories like all strangers do.  That’s the thing about interacting with strangers- we are left with vignettes of what was, what could have been, and what should have been.

Our second meeting, you asked for my name and never forgot it.  Our second to last meeting, I asked for your name and never forgot it.

We are first name basis strangers.  That’s what we were, are, and ever will be.

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Today has been smoother than yesterday so far.  But I am very bored.  Independence comes at the price of loneliness.  I started out my day searching for apartments, places that had potential for me to call “home” in the near future.  A contrast from the slums I am in now, the places I looked at today appeared closer to my dreams and hopes when I first signed up to be in one of the most expensive cities to live in.  Slowly, I felt my dream come alive again.

Last night was a tough night.  I didn’t really sleep, it was one of those 50/50 sleeps where you’re half conscious and half sleeping.  I went to bed at 9:30 but never really went to sleep.  I kept hearing police sirens, ambulances, screaming and yelling, crying, and moans throughout the night.  And I woke up this morning to a fight between two homeless people which had to be broken up by a police officer… At 8:45 in the morning.

The more I think about, the more I feel ready to begin my life here.  Success doesn’t fall into the palms of our hands… We have to work past obstacles and really earn it.  The trouble with going so far away from home is not having a support system nearby and being alone all the time, which can be a really scary thing.  But it gives me the time to figure out what I want and what I’m looking for.

In a couple of days I will finally see what my career life will be like.  If I’m satisfied I will have to match my personal life with it… Starting with my own decent sized apartment.  I just can’t live two contrasting lives.  And I’ll have funds to stay at a decent place, so why not make the best of my time in SF? That’s all I’ve ever really wanted- a cozy, trendy, minimalistic apartment located within an appropriate distance from my workplace in the heart of a city.  Hopefully my dream can come true next year.

And if it doesn’t work out? I’m not sure yet, to be completely honest.  Maybe I can go back home to NY but that’s like starting back at one.  Manhattan won’t be any cheaper  and I will not go back to Long Island to start over.  I love LI and all but it’s where I grew up and it’s a small town kind of place.  I’m looking to spend my twenties in the city so that I can make something of myself, become a big shot, and earn $$$ so that I can afford a nice home in a good neighbourhood in the suburbs when I start my family.

Now, I’m sitting in the mall waiting to eat dinner before heading back to my room.  My feet are killing me from all the walking this morning.  Day 2 and I’ve got blisters already.  I’ve never treasured my parents, my home, my bed, a nice shower, and home cooked food as much as I do now.  I wish I could be with my parents and in the protection of their home now.  Everything really matters… Everything.  When you lose it all, you realise it.

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Finally, I am kicking off this blog for 2014.  I meant to start blogging a long time ago, but school priorities have been keeping me busy.  Lately, I’ve been thinking about confidence and standing up for ourselves, in light of a conflict I am in the midst of.

I have always been taught to stand tall and confident, and to fight for what I believe in, no matter how difficult the fight is, and especially if I have been treated unfairly.  And I practice what I learn.  However, most people, I have learned, give up in reality.  They claim they are high and mighty behind the scenes, but when it is showtime, they fall back into the shadows.  I have asked “why” so many times, only to get one of the following responses: “no one would listen to my side anyway”, “I am too busy to deal with it, karma will get them”, “I don’t really care anymore”, “I’m not affected by it”, and “there’s nothing to argue.”  It is like a rock hit these people and they suddenly forgot what they so strongly believed in.

I can partially understand.  Confidence and fighting back take a lot of effort and courage.  Back when I first practiced standing up for myself, I felt fear… fear of what?  Fear of retaliation, losing something, etc.  Over time, that fear went away.  What have I got to lose?  I am treated unfairly, and I will just let the other party get away with it?  I might as well just let them punch me in the face.  There is nothing to fear.  They have committed the wrong, and I am simply standing up for myself.  Am I wrong to point out the wrong?  No.  At the same time, I am aware that things change with different circumstances.  And to be honest, I hate the pyramid of power and dominance that has been ingrained into our society.  Sometimes, we are at a disadvantage because we fall into the bottom slice of this pyramid.  I’ll admit this much.

At the end of the day, I am still a fighter.  When there is a reason for me to stand up and make a point, I will.  I like to call this “justice.”  I have redefined the concept of justice for my own purposes because I don’t trust society’s form of justice anymore.  We live in a world where justice is bought by money, power is bought by money, everything is bought by money.  Having confidence and standing up for what I believe in is as much justice as I will get in this world, and I have accepted this.  Others apparently have a different perspective than me, but I encourage confidence in us all.  Stand up for yourself, please, don’t just sit there and let stones be thrown at you.

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 14,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Monsters Inc.

I think I have created a monster.  And it ain’t cute.  I was afraid this would happen and this is the reason why I should just be selfish and mind my own business.  😦

My “friend”- let’s call her X- had self-esteem and social anxiety issues.  With what she went through last year (to my understanding at the time), I felt sorry for her and thought it was a good idea to be a friend to her and help her with those problems.  I had some pretty low times myself so I know how it felt and believed that I could use my experience and share what I learned with X.  Reasonable, right?

Bad idea.  I told X that she should be more confident in herself and that guys like confidence in a woman (X had no guys like her… ever… so she thought she was hideous).  I also told X to socialize more and just have fun because she is young and shouldn’t care so much about what others think.  As if that was not enough, she also had body image issues, so I would tell her that she’s beautiful and to love her body because she is very skinny (which she is) and if anything, to eat more.  Now, I had to constantly remind her of all these things- so multiply this advice by 10 or something.  I swear, I almost felt sick of saying the same thing over and over to her.  It just wasn’t absorbing in her brain or something.  Of course I turned out wrong, she absorbed it so much that it went to her head.

Recently, an event happened to her with a guy- it’s a long story but moral of the story is that she is now super flirtatious and throws herself at any decent looking guy, even if he’s taken.  On top of all that, she turned into some arrogant psycho.  She seriously believes she is better than everyone, including me, because a guy kissed her and gave her attention.

I am very, very regretful that I tried to help her because I have turned her into a monster.  And now I have to live with it!  I just don’t understand how her maturity level is at the middle-school stage where a brush of the elbow “means something” and there is a desire to be “the coolest kid” and part of the “popular crowd.”  Like… how old is X??  Right, she’s a college student.

Oh and she thinks she is hot stuff now and can seduce any hot guy she wants and will not settle for average guys.  The only thing X knows is video games and The Walking Dead, so she always uses that to lure the guys into a conversation.  And then she talks about how she doesn’t want a serious relationship.  That’s pretty much her tactic.  But once the guy makes one single move on her, she latches on to the guy like a leech.  It is very disgusting to watch this monster in action.

It is true that she is finally comfortable with herself, but she has turned into a different person who is looking down on those around her.  And that is a kick to my face because I actually tried to help her.  So I have been distancing myself from her because I will probably punch her in the face if I have a conversation with her.  But I have learned my lesson: just mind my own business and focus on myself.  -_-

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A Tree of Lost Fruit

Often we lose something we took for granted.  Sometimes, we lose something small, something that we can let go over time.  Other times, we lose something significant, something that life reminds us, every day for the rest of our lives, that we lost it.

I have always been a believer in fate and destiny, where our paths are predetermined.  But I cannot help but wonder what good this does for me.  I may sound selfish, but I think it is important for us to know our purpose- I want to know my purpose.  Otherwise, are we all just puppets played for entertainment?

We all have lost things we took for granted, such as recess and Mom’s cooking for every meal.  How many of us have actually lost something big, something so big that it impacts our life in such a dramatic way?  Life has advanced so that we have solutions to some of these losses, but are they really answers?

Back to fate and destiny, does fairness factor into anything… at all?  It bothers me, angers me that there are people who have what I can’t have and yet they reject the blessing that they have been given.  I have open arms and for some reason beyond me, they will remain empty.  It’s odd, but I have felt the emptiness for awhile now.

Yes, I am selfish.  I want something that has been taken unfairly away from me.  It is not fair that other people who do not deserve it are able to have what I can’t have.  But there’s nothing that I can do.  All I can do is accept it.  Inside, there will always be dissatisfaction sitting upon my heart.  And unfortunately, you will never understand unless you lose this the way I did.

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Playing with Mud

The GIF above pretty much summarizes my summer job… just kidding…

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Well, I’m back to my first paying job ever.  It’s very difficult to get a summer job these days… especially when employers find out that I am not going to college in the area.  I spent the majority of last summer searching and searching.  Almost every time, I was so close to being hired- until they found out that I go to school in California… such a turn-off.

This summer, I figured I should not waste time on applying and interviewing for jobs that I know I won’t get.  Oh and just on a side note, I think it is a kind of discrimination- positions should be held by people are who are capable and qualified… geographical location of college should not matter… I even brought up the fact that I can transfer out and then back whenever I am home.  I would still have skills…

But anyway, I went back to the good ol’ playground.  I like to think of this summer as my last summer as a “kid.”  And there is no better place to wrap up my childhood than here.  I was hoping to work with the little kids just because I love working with kids and they have a purity to them that people lose with age.  Annnnddd quite frankly, I am surrounded in a vicious field with gunner people.  I really wanted to spend my last summer as a kid… with kids- plain and simple.  But life doesn’t work like that, and I am working with 12-13 year olds.

So… I remember 7th grade as the period of time when girls smother themselves in make-up and dress inappropriately to gain attention for guys.  Oh and the girls like to be catty with one another and drown themselves with drama.  Well, this should be exciting!  I know that middle schoolers have changed greatly since I was in middle school… and to be honest, I’m not quite sure if that is a good or bad thing.

Today was my first day of training (I went through it once already… necessary for round 2???) and I felt like an 아줌마.  WOW, I was surprised at um, my “coworkers.”  I could not help but wonder how they were going to handle the kids… if they were acting like them… BUT I am not one to judge- it was just my observation.  And since there was a huge downpour yesterday (like… my phone went bizerk and gave me a flash flood warning), it was muddy everywhere, EVERYWHERE.  I made a poor decision by wearing flip-flops because there was this once spot that was like… quicksand and when we all stepped on it, we realized we were sinking.  Yes, we ran for our dear lives.  Yes, my feet and toenails are all black and brown now.

One day of training down, another 32013498498372498734032 to go.  No but really, that’s how many days it feels like.  It’s okay though, I will survive.

OH and it turns out that my division head is my high school Italian teacher’s sister.  What a surprise that was!

I hope this summer is a good one- I’m still on the fence about how I feel.  Half of me wants this type of summer, where I bum around and have fun, forever.  And the other half wants this to be the last so that I can transition into adulthood by next summer and start doing… adult summer things (Thirsty Thursdays with the coworkers after work?  Bowling on Saturday nights with the coworkers?  Dinner at a 5 star hotel with coworkers?)- I think you get my point.

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