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Posts Tagged ‘personal’

The day started off all wrong.  Nothing changed from last semester.  I mean, at the end of last semester, things got better.  But it seems that the winter break erased all that was cleared up… and this semester is starting off rough again.  I don’t understand why she hates me so much and wants to challenge everything I do.  We barely know each other, are practically strangers, yet I get the feeling that she wants me dead.  Yes, that’s how strong the hatred is- I certainly feel it.  And so I woke up this morning feeling a heaviness upon my heart, my mind.  Maybe it’s karma… and I try to be tough on the outside, but on the inside, my heart aches knowing that I’m hated by someone that much.  I shouldn’t care but it makes me wonder about myself.  I think about how many other people I bother and what is it that I’m doing to deserve this feeling.  I mind my own business, really.  I move about in a robotic fashion these days, without a care to who I pass, who I speak with, who I sit next to.  I keep to myself because I’ve decided to lock myself away.  And I’ve been doing okay when I don’t worry about miscellaneous things.  Today… today… it was not okay.  My mind was heavy with thoughts.  Why won’t people leave me alone?  I’ve been okay with this new way of living- doing what I have to do and then retreating into my room silently.  But no- she wants to challenge the peacefulness that I’ve found.  Does it bother her that she doesn’t bother me anymore?  Immature.  That’s what she is.  A child.  I don’t play these games anymore.

In the past, it was bitterness that I always felt after passive confrontations with her.  Today, I felt sadness.  I put on a smile anyway when I went to class.  I’ve realized that sometimes, it’s easier to lie to cover what’s underneath.  I don’t want anyone else involved but me.

I was surprised today- truly surprised.  I waited for my class to begin.  The class was still pretty empty and everyone was occupied with something.  I sighed and was looking at my phone when suddenly someone jerked my chair a bit, scaring me for a second, and said “Sorry, excuse me- I’m gonna sit here.”  He sat down next to me and gave me a big smile.  I nodded and was turning back to my phone when he started talking to me.  He asked me all different questions… about me.  For the first time in my life, someone was genuinely interested in me.  I didn’t understand- at first, I gave short, concise responses, but he wanted more.  I was so surprised that I didn’t feel comfortable in the situation.  I kept trying to turn away but he persistently pulled me back into conversation.  I wanted to keep to myself but at the same time, I couldn’t ignore him.  He introduced himself to me.  His name is- let’s call him Magic.  Magic dug deeper and deeper into my roots.  We just met and already we were talking about my hometown.  He actually knew my hometown and to be honest, it kind of freaked me out.  But at the same time, I was fascinated at his curiosity about me.  Again, no one, no one I’ve ever met has cared so much to want to get to know me.  I’ve always offered general information as a courtesy… but today I didn’t and Magic asked it all.  He even asked if I was happy here.  I looked at him strangely for a moment, not sure whether or not he knew what I was feeling from the morning.  I gave him a vague answer, telling him “roommate troubles.”  He gave me a nod of understanding.  A quick silence and he broke the awkwardness with a tease.  Throughout the class, he kept making comments to me and at one point, squeezed my forearm (???).

So Magic was a little strange.  But he got my mind off of the heaviness in me- hence the name “Magic.”  It’s weird how he came out of nowhere.  I even feel like I might have told him too much.  I had a smile on, to cover the sadness underneath… I’m not sure if he knew.  I think he did because he kept asking how I was feeling and saying that he knows.  Usually, I’m not one to be extremely religious and “talk God”, because quite frankly… I’m Buddhist, but I wonder if God sent Magic to me today as a way to ease the sadness and heaviness.  His sudden appearance in my life today is strange and worth contemplating.  Of all the seats that were available, he sat in the one next to me.  He must have been placed there.

I don’t care if I never see Magic again or even if I never talk to him again.  He turned my day around.  Just when I started to believe that people hate me for my mere existence, he showed up and proved otherwise.

We never know why we meet the people that we do or why we do the things that we do.  But there’s a reason for everything.  And no matter how bizarre the situation is, there’s always a good reason.  For every down, there’s an up.

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January 28

Today was the first day of classes for the Spring semester.  I should have felt excitement, eagerness, and nervousness… but I didn’t.  The only time I felt something was before my Cost Accounting class- and the feeling doesn’t even have an adjective.  It was just a rock sitting on my chest.  And my throat was a little itchy… but that’s all I felt.

For the past year and a half, I’ve felt nothing.  I can’t pinpoint exactly when I lost all feeling.  Some time in Korea- that’s when.  I was riding the bus home, it was dark out already.  I felt strange looking at my reflection in the window I was leaning against.  I realized that my life was falling into routine… and that I had lost control over my body.  I felt like an outsider watching my body move through the daily activities.  Each time I rode the bus after that, I thought about why I suddenly lost my ability to feel.

Time has passed and I am now a sophomore in college… yet I still haven’t regained my sense of feeling.  For some reason, today, this inability was heightened, if you know what I mean.  I felt like a machine just following directions, orders to do this and do that, say this and say that.  And more recently, I am beginning to find it hard to breathe sometimes.  Sometimes it’s a rock on my chest, like earlier today, and other times it’s something stuck in my throat, preventing my lungs from getting an air.

We take our sense of touch and feeling for granted.  I want- no.  I CRAVE to feel something these days, whether it be happiness, pain, or sadness.  It really doesn’t matter to me because I’ve been deprived of feeling for so long.  I need to feel something to remind me that I’m alive, that I’m still here.

Going through life with no care and no feeling is no way to live.  I’m just a ghost wandering around- apart from the world and the world apart from me.

Today is January 28 and I have no feelings today.  Just wanted to document this.

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Love

Picture the one person in the world you really wish were reading your blog. Write her or him a letter.

(more…)

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I fall in love every day. 

In the midst of my busy life, I fall in love every day… with strangers, with familiar faces, with someone.  It’s a strange concept and I’m not sure I even fully understand it myself, but it’s such a wonderful thing.

Whether I am walking down the street, sitting on the bus, or buying groceries, someone always catches my eye and I find myself falling in love with their smile, their act of generosity, their words of wisdom, or whatever it is about them.

I’ve thought about this over and over again- is it possible to fall in love this easily and so often?  Well, there are 3 different kinds of love according to the Greeks: eros, philos, and agape.

Eros is defined as “erotic love”- I like to call it selfish love… simply because this type of love is based on strong physical attraction.  So… really it’s just a physical desire to have someone to satisfy YOUR needs.

Philos is love between friends and family.  It’s more of a mutual love and the love has more substance than eros…

Agape is unconditional love, a selfless kind of love.  I first heard of this term in my 10th grade English class, where we used “agape” to describe the relationship between Heathcliff and Catherine (their relationship was just strange if you ask me…).  I guess agape is also the love used in most dramas, particularly Korean ones.

I think these 3 classifications do a good job of summarizing the types of love possible- I mean, these 3 are pretty broad so they pretty much cover it all.  By process of elimination… I know I’m definitely NOT feeling agape love every day.  However, I cannot distinguish whether or not I am feeling eros or philos- perhaps a mix of both?  I do not like to think that I am selfishly loving these strangers every day- I am simply standing afar fascinated by some aspect of them.  At the same time, I do not like the term mutual love either… I may be admiring them from afar but that does not signify reciprocation.

So then… what is it that I feel?  Can it even be called “love”?  I think I may have to add a new category of love to these 3- something that describes this sense of loving someone for who they are.  No… scratch that… I don’t know some of these people, so I can’t say I love them for who they are, right?

Category or not, love is love.  Every day, I know I fall in love, sometimes with someone new, and sometimes with the same person.  Now, don’t get me wrong, love is still complicated- definitely not as simple as sitting on the bus and falling in love with the person sitting in front of you.  Rather, it’s a little bit painful, even with strangers.  Love hurts.  And… watching at a distance wondering if I will ever see that person again or get a chance to know that person is a bit of a struggle every day.

I first contemplated this concept when I was in Seoul.  Seoul mainly runs on public transportation so I was on public transport almost 24/7.  I saw, met, spoke to many different strangers every day.  And sometimes, I got the feeling that I fell in love with them- but it was weird because I barely knew them.  But, there was always something about each person that attracted me to them.  I realized that I had been this way for a long time… and even now, I think I am this way too.  I still puzzle myself sometimes… even surprise myself at times.

Love is a good thing for us mentally and physically.  Loving openly is an even better thing.  Why hide our love when we have so much of it to give?

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Shattered Glass

 

These days, it is more and more often that I wonder to myself why I have so many tears to cry.  No matter what, there is a lingering feeling of sadness and a weight that keeps pulling my heart down until I can’t breathe… until I feel hopeless and just give in to the continuous flow of tears.

It hurts so much.  This pain is unreal- it’s like someone pulled my heart out and diced it to pieces.  I do not even know what’s causing me so much pain, I’ve been trying to pinpoint the root for so long but I just can’t figure it out.

As I think about it, I’ve felt this way since summer 2011.  The first time I cried so hard and painfully in my life was the day I parted ways with my host family.  And I thought I got over it by the time I came back to the states.  But ever since, I’ve cried just as hard and painfully every so often.  I think it’s because I was the happiest I’ve ever been while I was with my host family and in Korea… and I just haven’t felt the same way since.  There are so many things that have gone wrong here, so many things that angered me here, so many things that have made me want to just let go.  But then I keep holding on because I keep telling myself that things will get better.  And so I cover my swollen eyes and replace my emotionless face with a smiling one.  I force myself to wake up every morning and look at people as if I’m doing fine, great.

I do not know how much longer I can handle this… this pretending.  It has gotten to the point where I come home every day and cry as hard and painfully as that last day in Korea.  This has taken a toll on my mind and body.  I can’t do this any longer.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the sadness in my own eyes, the pain slicing through my pupils.  I cry so much that my eyes are almost always swollen and my cheeks always have dried tear stains.  I don’t want to be like this anymore.

There’s no one… no one who will understand.  People have tried to understand but it’s just not the same… no one can know this pain and suffering that I feel.  I do not know where all these tears came from- I mean… I did not even think it was possible for a human to contain so many tears.  I cannot fathom what I did to deserve this.  And honestly, I do not know how much longer I can deal with this.

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Do not chase people.  Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  The right people who belong in your life will come to you, and stay.

This has been the first thing I’ve understood in a long time- 我终于想明白了.  There is no point in getting frustrated all the time, it’s just too tiring and frankly, I do not have the time or energy to put up with it any longer.  I need to start caring less.

It seems that the more I care, the more stress I put on myself.  And these people do not even care back… so why should I waste my time caring for them?  I always knew that it was better to just be independent, but for some reason, I always tried to surround myself with people so that I wouldn’t feel isolated and lonely.  Screw that.  What is the point of having “friends” that aren’t even “friends”???  How could I be so dumb for so long?

I didn’t learn my lesson the first couple of times, rather I continued to be dumb and repeat my mistakes.  Such a shame that I wasted my time being a fool for so long.  From now on, it’s just going to be me, myself, and I.  The right people will come into my life and stay- I don’t need to search for people and hold on to them thinking that they are supposed to be in my life.  The fact is… they may not be the right people… so they should get out of it sooner than later.

Being completely independent is a hard thing.  We all don’t realize how hard it is to do unless we are forced to be in this position.  I’m going to take it step by step- because I know this is what I have to do in order to keep my sanity.  I’ve been trying to be patient for awhile now… but I can’t hold it in anymore- I HATE THE PEOPLE AROUND ME RIGHT NOW.  This school year has just gotten progressively worse and I find myself hating the people I hang out with more and more.  Perhaps it is just the fact that I’m getting to know them better… but all the same, I don’t like these people.  They’re obviously not the right people and I kind of just want them to leave- there’s always something new that they do that I just can’t stand.  And what I can’t stand the most from them is that they’re not genuine friends.  “Genuine friends” can be interpreted in a variety of ways, and interpret it any way that you want, but in my mind, a genuine friend is someone who is always on my side, someone who cares and will help me if I need it, someone who doesn’t ditch me for other people.  That’s not too much to ask for… really… And to be honest, I’ve only met one, ONE person so far in my life who has been a genuine friend to me.  Shows what kind of society we live in today…

And so… whatever.  I’ve lost the willpower to care.  Do whatever makes you guys happy- I COULD CARE LESS~~  Don’t expect anything from me, don’t judge me, don’t talk about me behind my back- just remember that YOU GUYS made me this way… YOU GUYS are the reason why I decided to not care.

I am not your friend, and you are not my friend.  朋友分分鐘都會改變.

I live for me.  I’ve been doing my own thing and I will continue to do my own thing.  The right people will come whenever the time is right… and they will stay, they will be genuine, they will be true friends.

Every day is a struggle, a fight, but life is life.

“Live and let live.”

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