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Posts Tagged ‘personal’

Monsters Inc.

I think I have created a monster.  And it ain’t cute.  I was afraid this would happen and this is the reason why I should just be selfish and mind my own business.  😦

My “friend”- let’s call her X- had self-esteem and social anxiety issues.  With what she went through last year (to my understanding at the time), I felt sorry for her and thought it was a good idea to be a friend to her and help her with those problems.  I had some pretty low times myself so I know how it felt and believed that I could use my experience and share what I learned with X.  Reasonable, right?

Bad idea.  I told X that she should be more confident in herself and that guys like confidence in a woman (X had no guys like her… ever… so she thought she was hideous).  I also told X to socialize more and just have fun because she is young and shouldn’t care so much about what others think.  As if that was not enough, she also had body image issues, so I would tell her that she’s beautiful and to love her body because she is very skinny (which she is) and if anything, to eat more.  Now, I had to constantly remind her of all these things- so multiply this advice by 10 or something.  I swear, I almost felt sick of saying the same thing over and over to her.  It just wasn’t absorbing in her brain or something.  Of course I turned out wrong, she absorbed it so much that it went to her head.

Recently, an event happened to her with a guy- it’s a long story but moral of the story is that she is now super flirtatious and throws herself at any decent looking guy, even if he’s taken.  On top of all that, she turned into some arrogant psycho.  She seriously believes she is better than everyone, including me, because a guy kissed her and gave her attention.

I am very, very regretful that I tried to help her because I have turned her into a monster.  And now I have to live with it!  I just don’t understand how her maturity level is at the middle-school stage where a brush of the elbow “means something” and there is a desire to be “the coolest kid” and part of the “popular crowd.”  Like… how old is X??  Right, she’s a college student.

Oh and she thinks she is hot stuff now and can seduce any hot guy she wants and will not settle for average guys.  The only thing X knows is video games and The Walking Dead, so she always uses that to lure the guys into a conversation.  And then she talks about how she doesn’t want a serious relationship.  That’s pretty much her tactic.  But once the guy makes one single move on her, she latches on to the guy like a leech.  It is very disgusting to watch this monster in action.

It is true that she is finally comfortable with herself, but she has turned into a different person who is looking down on those around her.  And that is a kick to my face because I actually tried to help her.  So I have been distancing myself from her because I will probably punch her in the face if I have a conversation with her.  But I have learned my lesson: just mind my own business and focus on myself.  -_-

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Sorting Out Confusion

Tomorrow is an important day for me- my first one-on-one with an associate.  I am not really sure how I pulled this off- but somehow I landed myself an office tour and a lunch meeting with KPMG.  This is typical of my life though, uncalled for and random events that throw me in a doozy.

However, do not get me wrong- I may be doozy and just a little bit queasy in the stomach and head, but I am on cloud 9.  There are no words to describe how happy I am to have this opportunity to interact with a firm that I am so madly in love with (the crazy accountant in me just said that…).  For the past couple of days, since I set up this date, I’ve been pushing this moment to the side, afraid to even think about everything from what shoes I should wear to what I should say.

Now, usually I am a moderately confident person.  But a simple meeting with a Big 4 is enough to throw my confidence out the window.  I am so nervous because THIS is my time to impress, to show them who I am.  And honestly, I’ve never experienced one of these “lunch with an associate” or “office tours with meet and greet with partners and managers.”  Even as I am typing this post, my head is running wild with thoughts and my heart with nervousness.  I can’t help but think, what if I shake their hands too hard?, what if I say something awkward?, what if I get salad stuck in my teeth?, what if I eat too fast?, what if I forget to ask for cards?, what if I don’t have any questions?

The more I think I about tomorrow, the more I work up my heart and my brain… so I really shouldn’t be panicking.  But this is exactly what I felt before I interviewed with KPMG a couple of months ago.  This whole cycle is starting again- and I can’t tell you why KPMG makes me THIS nervous.  It’s like I want to be perfect, absolutely perfect, for them.  At the same time, I know that I can’t be a perfect candidate, no one can.  All I can be is… well, prepared.

I am going to make the best of my opportunity tomorrow and just relax.  And most importantly, I have to go prepared.  That is the key- and it helped me out last time, so hopefully it will help me out this time as well.  I never stop; once I put myself in a situation, I go forward with it and challenge the outcome.  Tomorrow is just another test for me, in my path to my career.  If I pass, then great!  If not, then I can move on- opportunities are experiences as well.

My outfit is already prepared: gray short-sleeved business casual dress, black stockings, black close-toed heels, and a white Guess bag.  I did not think a full-on business attire was necessary… so I went for an outfit that was casual but meant business at the same time.  And stockings are always a nice touch, but I have to wear stockings tomorrow because my legs would be mad ugly if anyone saw them… I went in the woods yesterday and little bugs and mosquitos made a feast out of my legs… Not to mention the weather is sooooo hot these days, making my business pants impossible to wear.

Wish me luck tomorrow as I experience my first lunch with an associate… and meet and greet with the partners and managers.  They prepared for me to come, so I need to be on the same page.  I must focus and relax.  This is what I wanted, this is (one of) the moments I have been waiting for.  I might as well just have fun with it- for all I know my tense aura could easily make tomorrow awkward.

But seriously though, at this point…

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A Tree of Lost Fruit

Often we lose something we took for granted.  Sometimes, we lose something small, something that we can let go over time.  Other times, we lose something significant, something that life reminds us, every day for the rest of our lives, that we lost it.

I have always been a believer in fate and destiny, where our paths are predetermined.  But I cannot help but wonder what good this does for me.  I may sound selfish, but I think it is important for us to know our purpose- I want to know my purpose.  Otherwise, are we all just puppets played for entertainment?

We all have lost things we took for granted, such as recess and Mom’s cooking for every meal.  How many of us have actually lost something big, something so big that it impacts our life in such a dramatic way?  Life has advanced so that we have solutions to some of these losses, but are they really answers?

Back to fate and destiny, does fairness factor into anything… at all?  It bothers me, angers me that there are people who have what I can’t have and yet they reject the blessing that they have been given.  I have open arms and for some reason beyond me, they will remain empty.  It’s odd, but I have felt the emptiness for awhile now.

Yes, I am selfish.  I want something that has been taken unfairly away from me.  It is not fair that other people who do not deserve it are able to have what I can’t have.  But there’s nothing that I can do.  All I can do is accept it.  Inside, there will always be dissatisfaction sitting upon my heart.  And unfortunately, you will never understand unless you lose this the way I did.

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Many of us think of our lives as boringly normal, while others live the high life. Take a step back, and take a look at your life as an outsider might. Now, tell us at least six unique, exciting, or just plain odd things about yourself.

I’d like to start off with the fact that as boring as my life may be (as a whole), every day is quite unique (okay, maybe not EVERY day… but most days).  Weird things happen and I get surprised quite often.  My life isn’t exciting in the sense that I’m a huge risk taker and that I “live life on the edge.”  I mean, I don’t ever dream of tight rope walking or sky diving… no… I’d squeal like a prissy little girl if I were ever in those types of situations.  BUT, I can say that there are things about me that people would never have guessed and quite frankly, I would never have guessed about myself.  Aaaaannndddd here is the post where I share some of these oddities in my life.

  1. I am a HUGE asian horror fanatic- I watch those films like no tomorrow… and they don’t necessarily have to be gory… plot and cinematography are the important parts.  Even thriller and psychological films are good!  I have to admit, Japanese ones give me the biggest high… especially their short stories.  Just saying…
  2. Yesterday I was at an outdoors social and I thought I stepped on a noodle… but then I realized that there were no noodles at the social- I looked down and saw a worm on my flip flop.
  3. I stood next to Brazil’s women’s national volleyball team.  OuO
  4. I went to the 38th parallel north (Korean DMZ) and straddled North and South Korea (in one of the Conference Rows).
  5. I hate black and gray socks.
  6. When I was 5 years old, I wanted to be one of those nurses who wiped away sweat and blood for the doctor.
  7. I used to get really bad motion sickness and so when I was little (either 5 or 8 years old?), I was the last to get off the plane when we arrived in Shanghai because I was still throwing up in the air sickness bag.  And then as I was getting off the plane, I threw up again (quite suddenly) right in front of the pilots and flight attendants.  Thank goodness I was little and cute because if I did that now… I wouldn’t get ooh-ed and ahhh-ed at.
  8. I don’t like it when people get too close to me.
  9. For about the first 3 weeks I was in Korea, I bowed to everyone who walked past me… including teenagers my age…
  10. Guys who speak Italian- enough said.
  11. I was born in the US and I went to ESL.
  12. I met golfer Andrew Choi!
  13. I had an obsessor (stalker wasn’t the right label…) and couldn’t get rid of him no matter what I did.  He didn’t cross into the danger zone or anything… but made me feel super uncomfortable all the time.  Thinking back… still makes me feel all weird.  *shiver*
  14. I used to really like this guy who is now a um… “demon doer.”  ((O___O))
  15. My 7th grade english teacher thought I was suicidal and put me in a really awkward conversation with her and my guidance counselor…  May I just note that she was also the lady who randomly went to the window and cried in the middle of class one time.
  16. I don’t microwave  leftovers- I just eat it.
  17. When I shower, I like the water so hot that my skin is red after I’m done.
  18. I sometimes speak other languages in a conversation (by accident).  If you reallllyyy listen and pay attention, you’ll notice it and go “wait, what’d you say?”
  19. I do accounting in my dreams.
  20. I have photographic memory… and I sure do use it. 😉

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Absent Change

 

Change is nonexistent to me.  I have never experienced change, I have never sensed change, I have never felt change.  There is no reason for me to believe in change.

Deceit and lies are existent to me.  I have experienced it, I have sensed it, I have felt it.  There is every reason for me to believe in deceit and lies.

People aren’t the problem, I am the problem.  Change does not exist in my life, only deceit and lies do.  The constant and vicious cycle of destruction hurts, leaving my mind, body and soul in ruins.  Every so often, I am worn out and tired from this game of deceit.  I am tricked into believing one thing… and then placed into the reality of another.

It’s interesting how happiness in my life can disappear as quickly as it had appeared.  No matter what I do to keep even a little bit of that happiness, I never win.  Nothing changes because life reverts back to its old self.  I find myself, once again, in shreds and having that conflicting feeling of emptiness and fullness, of acceptance and denial.

Each time, I find it harder and harder for me to continue.  Eventually, I’ll stop trying.  Because… what am I continuing for?  Change is not a part of my life and so there is nothing left, right?

Not many people can understand what it’s like to live like this.  It hurts and it’s abusive.  I am already losing control of myself.  I wish I knew how much longer I will last.

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우연처럼 널 만나기 위해 백가지 이유를 만들어.

I make up a hundred excuses just to run into you by chance.

When I least expected it, you made your way into my life, into my head, into my heart.  I didn’t know you well and definitely didn’t plan on being acquaintances with you.  You were just a stranger, like any other stranger I walk past on the street.  As time went on, you became a frequent visitor of my routine life.  Okay, so you were no longer a stranger, but an acquaintance.  No expectations.

And then… I’m not sure how- but we became more and more familiar with each other.  Still no expectations.  I thought things would end as abruptly as it had started- no beginning, no ending… and no closure.  

Yet, I find my presence, my life intertwined with yours again.  I don’t understand.  You were supposed to be a stranger but you keep making your presence known in my life.  I hate to think that our fates somehow have to cross paths because I don’t like expectations that aren’t within reach.  At the same time, I am curious why we keep meeting.  

I find myself increasingly wanting to talk to you, have a conversation with you because I want to understand.  And I may be wrong, but I think you want to as well.  You are quiet and like to keep to yourself, not very different from me.  But when I say something to you, you try to keep the conversation going.  I think that’s nice because quite frankly, you can just answer my question and not talk to me.  Like the other day- I simply asked you a question out of courtesy… well, also because I kept accidentally making eye contact with you for days already.  I felt obligated to break the awkwardness, so I asked you a question.  You answered and I didn’t expect anything more.  But whenever I turned around, you always had more to say as if you were trying to build a conversation.  So I played along, like the other times in the past.

It’s fun getting to know you.  And truthfully, I really enjoy talking to you.  But our conversations never last long- not once.  It seems that whenever we start getting more comfortable with the conversation and the awkwardness disappears, someone always cuts it off.  A knife that slices the fun in the air- that’s what it feels like.  Every.  Single.  Time.  

I’ve never met anyone like you, you are quite interesting and unique.  With you, it’s like time slows down… dramatically.  I usually get to know someone, at least the basics, pretty quickly after I first meet them.  You… it’s taking forever.  Everything is in slow motion… which is weird.  It also doesn’t help when someone always breaks the conversation…

Despite it all, as time passes on, your presence is leaving an imprint on me.  Every day, expectations grow and I find myself wanting to see you, wanting to talk to you.  Curiosity drives me crazy these days.  And so I make up a hundred reasons just to cross paths with you.  

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Every day in life, we are surprised by opportunities.  Opportunities come and go- sometimes they fly past us so fast that we don’t have the chance to grab them.  Other times, they keep presenting themselves as if it is our destiny to take them.  It is when they show up in our lives over and over again that we usually miss them.  It’s a huge mistake that we can never learn.

We constantly think and half of the time, we express our thoughts out loud.  The other half of the time, we keep it all in.  Some people like to say that we have a filter in our minds that separates what we say out loud and what we keep to ourselves.

What if we lose an opportunity because of our filter?  How much should we trust this filter that has been placed in our minds?  And most importantly, how many times have we lost an opportunity because of the things that we never said?

Words are a powerful tool- they bring us a range of emotions.  A string of words can change everything… the sad part is that we don’t always consider this when we are filtering.

We have a tendency to focus on the things that we did say and how we can take them back.  But we never really consider the things we never said.  We see it as a missed opportunity- but we repeatedly make the same mistake.  “If I had just said that, things would have turned out differently.”

Maybe not just opportunities.  Perhaps if we hadn’t held back and just said it, life would have taken a different course.  This is what I think-

In the past, I kept many things to myself.  The things that I never said grew into a huge pile.  It haunted me.  It made me wonder what would have changed if I had just said what I should have said.  The curiosity built up inside me and now… and now… when the filter works, I think about whether or not I should take the chance and see what happens if I say it.

“Life is a gamble” is a cliche, but cliche aside, it is very true.  We have to take risks and chances every day in life if we want to see everything that life has to offer us.  I admit that most times, I still hesitate.  I don’t know exactly what I am afraid of-

Today, I went for it.  I thought about saying it since last week but I never built up the courage to do so.  Today, I went for it.  I said it and don’t regret it.

 

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