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Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

I fall in love every day. 

In the midst of my busy life, I fall in love every day… with strangers, with familiar faces, with someone.  It’s a strange concept and I’m not sure I even fully understand it myself, but it’s such a wonderful thing.

Whether I am walking down the street, sitting on the bus, or buying groceries, someone always catches my eye and I find myself falling in love with their smile, their act of generosity, their words of wisdom, or whatever it is about them.

I’ve thought about this over and over again- is it possible to fall in love this easily and so often?  Well, there are 3 different kinds of love according to the Greeks: eros, philos, and agape.

Eros is defined as “erotic love”- I like to call it selfish love… simply because this type of love is based on strong physical attraction.  So… really it’s just a physical desire to have someone to satisfy YOUR needs.

Philos is love between friends and family.  It’s more of a mutual love and the love has more substance than eros…

Agape is unconditional love, a selfless kind of love.  I first heard of this term in my 10th grade English class, where we used “agape” to describe the relationship between Heathcliff and Catherine (their relationship was just strange if you ask me…).  I guess agape is also the love used in most dramas, particularly Korean ones.

I think these 3 classifications do a good job of summarizing the types of love possible- I mean, these 3 are pretty broad so they pretty much cover it all.  By process of elimination… I know I’m definitely NOT feeling agape love every day.  However, I cannot distinguish whether or not I am feeling eros or philos- perhaps a mix of both?  I do not like to think that I am selfishly loving these strangers every day- I am simply standing afar fascinated by some aspect of them.  At the same time, I do not like the term mutual love either… I may be admiring them from afar but that does not signify reciprocation.

So then… what is it that I feel?  Can it even be called “love”?  I think I may have to add a new category of love to these 3- something that describes this sense of loving someone for who they are.  No… scratch that… I don’t know some of these people, so I can’t say I love them for who they are, right?

Category or not, love is love.  Every day, I know I fall in love, sometimes with someone new, and sometimes with the same person.  Now, don’t get me wrong, love is still complicated- definitely not as simple as sitting on the bus and falling in love with the person sitting in front of you.  Rather, it’s a little bit painful, even with strangers.  Love hurts.  And… watching at a distance wondering if I will ever see that person again or get a chance to know that person is a bit of a struggle every day.

I first contemplated this concept when I was in Seoul.  Seoul mainly runs on public transportation so I was on public transport almost 24/7.  I saw, met, spoke to many different strangers every day.  And sometimes, I got the feeling that I fell in love with them- but it was weird because I barely knew them.  But, there was always something about each person that attracted me to them.  I realized that I had been this way for a long time… and even now, I think I am this way too.  I still puzzle myself sometimes… even surprise myself at times.

Love is a good thing for us mentally and physically.  Loving openly is an even better thing.  Why hide our love when we have so much of it to give?

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Though I have not gone into details, I have mentioned something about a change in my group of friends from last school year to this school year.  These past couple of days, I have been thinking quite a bit about my friends, the old and the new.  And I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve never been lonelier than I am now.

Despite a shortcoming with my group of friends last year, there are a couple of those friends that I miss.  And honestly, I feel like they miss me too.  There’s no way to describe it… but if you have a friend that you truly trust, then you know that feeling that I am feeling.  Only, I no longer have that sort of friendship with these people that I really miss having by my side.  So much time has passed… now it’s just awkward to walk up to them and confide something that has great importance to me.  Things are different.

It’s not like my friends this year are horrible or anything.  But they just aren’t … right.  Like a shoe that is a size to small, I don’t fit with these friends.  One of my friends has a boyfriend that she’s obsessed with, so it’s hard for me to make a connection with her.  I get that her boyfriend is important to her and I’m not saying that it is wrong for her to be hanging out with her boyfriend whenever she has free-time.  All I’m saying is that our friendship wasn’t that strong to begin with… I can’t establish something that is weak from the start.  My other good friend this year is kinda depressing.  She’s a very dull person, to the point where I can’t hold a nice simple conversation with her.  And every time I try to talk to her about something, she complains about her life problems, which ends up being depressing.  Also, she’s a gossiper too.  Whatever I tell her ends up in other people’s ears.  It’s kind of annoying actually.  If something someone else mentions is relevant to something I told her, she’ll just publicly announce what I told her.  As you can tell, these two people are very dependable… or good candidates for friends.

I just need… a confidant.  For now, I can be content with this blog and just express everything that I feel here.  But I want someone, someone who can give me direct feedback and emotions.  I know I can’t compare my new friends with my old friends, but seeing that my new friends are dull… I can’t help but miss my old friends.

Only recently, have I been slowly reconnecting with one of the old friends.  But it was between us that things went sour.  So I’m not really sure how things are going… but I certainly miss this particular friend.  I don’t think our friendship will be what it used to be.  Hopefully, it’ll be better than what it used to be.  That’s only dreaming though.  I have my hopes of gaining this one particular friend back.  Just this one friend… and I don’t think I’ll be lonely anymore.  Maybe, if I wish really hard, our renewed friendship can be better than what it used to be.

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Me (left) and Shoshana (right)

I made it to the airport a little early, or so I thought.  At 2:00 PM, I was going to take-off for South Korea.  It had been awhile since I had been in an airport, so I was a little lost as to where to go.  Plus, JFK is quite large… and easy to get lost in.  But, I had my mom and my sister escorting me until security check.  We walked up to the Korean Air desk and I told them which flight I was on.  As the lady checked my information in the system, she looked to her right and said that the girl next to me was on the same list and heading to the same place.  I looked over to my left and saw this tall girl.  I swore she was not there a moment ago.  There was a little gap of awkwardness and confusion.  And then, I think it hit us that we were on the same program.  I waved a little “hello” and introduced myself.  She told me her name was Shoshana.  Now I definitely knew she was on the program because I remembered her name on the list that was sent to every participant that was meeting up at JFK.  Her father was accompanying her and was very friendly as well.  He said that other participants had already arrived and were meeting up at the cafe.  I told her that I would catch up with them in a little while.  When I made it to the cafe area, I saw Shoshana and her dad sitting at a table.  Both of my parents and my sister all sat down and Shoshana and I were able to get to know each other a little bit better.  She was the first friend that I made on my trip to South Korea and I’ll never forget her or that day.  It was nice to meet someone new.  Before departure, I had been having some issues with my [ex] friends so things were a little rough for me.  And I have to say, though no one on the trip knew, every person that was friendly and every friend that I made had an impact on me and my life.  These people lightened up my mood which had been overcast since late May until that August.  Coming back from the trip, I think I matured because of the friendships that I made, despite the fact that I had only known these people for a mere 2 weeks.  This whole process of change began that day at the airport with Shoshana.  Above is a picture of my friend Shoshana and I at Samsung Delight.  I remember after that picture was taken, she was like “that shadow on my shirt looks like a water stain…”

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Another quick memory from South Korea summer 2010:

It was August 19th, last day of activity with CIEE before heading back to the U.S. On our way back to the Yonsei dorms from the DMZ, everyone was tired and sleeping on the bus.  The ride was going to be long and the sun beating through the windows made us all drowsy.  Well, I’ll assume that was why everyone was sleeping on the bus because that’s why I was a little sleepy too.  I sat next to my friend Tuyen and she tried showing me how to master the Rubik’s Cube.  Honestly, I just didn’t have the willpower to learn.  It was too hot, the tour guide’s voice was droning in the background, and I was a little upset to be leaving Korea in 2 days.  So we listened to her ipod (similar tastes in music!) and we drifted off to sleep.  It was quite a comfortable nap- her head on my shoulder and my head on her head, the warm sun baking my skin, and a nice silence creeping in the air.  When we woke up, we looked at the program schedule booklet and discussed our favorite memories of our trip to South Korea.  Then we creeped on the chaperone information in the back of the booklet.  I have to say, this was one of those rare and pure moments of friendship and bonding.  I am so lucky to have had one of these moments.

 

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I’m still not sure what you are to me.  Are you my friend?  Are you my enemy?  I’m leaning towards the former, but nothing can erase what has been said and done.  You might have thought I was fretting over something small, but the truth is, I didn’t tell you the whole story.  And you called me out on it; you told me I was immature for not being upfront about what I was feeling.  But what you didn’t know was that things were already going downhill.  I don’t know when it started to happen.  One day we were best friends, and the next day, we were strangers.  At least that was how I felt.  You started… distancing yourself from me.  I’m not saying you had to tell me everything, but I was hurt when I found out some things about you from other people.  I felt like I was the last to know.  But all this time, I trusted you with some of my secrets and thoughts.

That day that you and I were no longer friends, we went back and forth calling each other immature.  The bottom of it all was that I could no longer trust you.  You suddenly became this new person, not the person I was friends with.  And I knew you were trying hard to figure out what I was upset about.  But, you have to know, it was just as hard for me to turn away and ignore you.  How was I supposed to tell you that I didn’t trust you anymore because you were a different person to me?  All I could do was cut our ties.

Now, a summer has passed and a new year has begun.  You have, yet again, changed.  But this time, I feel like you have changed into a mature adult.  And I as well.  We’ve both grew in so many different ways during this interim, for the better.  Time has made the past a blur.  I’m glad for this, because I do not want to look back into that period of my life.  Things have changed, you and I have changed, and that’s what is important to me.

I know our friendship will never be restored.  Once a vase shatters, it will never be perfectly smooth again.  Writing this has been really difficult.  It would have been 10 times harder for me to have said all of this to your face.

This letter is for me, for closure.  Wiping the last tear drop from my cheek, I’m ready to let all of this go.  You were a really great friend to me and brought out a part of me that I never knew existed.  You contributed to the person that I am today, and I am so glad that I met you.  We had some really great memories that I will never forget.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  I hope you can accomplish your goals and fulfill your dreams.  Even though I will not be there physically to witness it all, I will be there spiritually.  After all, we are still “twins.”  There is nothing in the world that can change that.

Sincerely,

_____________

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