Posts Tagged ‘friends’

Monsters Inc.

I think I have created a monster.  And it ain’t cute.  I was afraid this would happen and this is the reason why I should just be selfish and mind my own business.  😦

My “friend”- let’s call her X- had self-esteem and social anxiety issues.  With what she went through last year (to my understanding at the time), I felt sorry for her and thought it was a good idea to be a friend to her and help her with those problems.  I had some pretty low times myself so I know how it felt and believed that I could use my experience and share what I learned with X.  Reasonable, right?

Bad idea.  I told X that she should be more confident in herself and that guys like confidence in a woman (X had no guys like her… ever… so she thought she was hideous).  I also told X to socialize more and just have fun because she is young and shouldn’t care so much about what others think.  As if that was not enough, she also had body image issues, so I would tell her that she’s beautiful and to love her body because she is very skinny (which she is) and if anything, to eat more.  Now, I had to constantly remind her of all these things- so multiply this advice by 10 or something.  I swear, I almost felt sick of saying the same thing over and over to her.  It just wasn’t absorbing in her brain or something.  Of course I turned out wrong, she absorbed it so much that it went to her head.

Recently, an event happened to her with a guy- it’s a long story but moral of the story is that she is now super flirtatious and throws herself at any decent looking guy, even if he’s taken.  On top of all that, she turned into some arrogant psycho.  She seriously believes she is better than everyone, including me, because a guy kissed her and gave her attention.

I am very, very regretful that I tried to help her because I have turned her into a monster.  And now I have to live with it!  I just don’t understand how her maturity level is at the middle-school stage where a brush of the elbow “means something” and there is a desire to be “the coolest kid” and part of the “popular crowd.”  Like… how old is X??  Right, she’s a college student.

Oh and she thinks she is hot stuff now and can seduce any hot guy she wants and will not settle for average guys.  The only thing X knows is video games and The Walking Dead, so she always uses that to lure the guys into a conversation.  And then she talks about how she doesn’t want a serious relationship.  That’s pretty much her tactic.  But once the guy makes one single move on her, she latches on to the guy like a leech.  It is very disgusting to watch this monster in action.

It is true that she is finally comfortable with herself, but she has turned into a different person who is looking down on those around her.  And that is a kick to my face because I actually tried to help her.  So I have been distancing myself from her because I will probably punch her in the face if I have a conversation with her.  But I have learned my lesson: just mind my own business and focus on myself.  -_-

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Do not chase people.  Be you and do your own thing and work hard.  The right people who belong in your life will come to you, and stay.

This has been the first thing I’ve understood in a long time- 我终于想明白了.  There is no point in getting frustrated all the time, it’s just too tiring and frankly, I do not have the time or energy to put up with it any longer.  I need to start caring less.

It seems that the more I care, the more stress I put on myself.  And these people do not even care back… so why should I waste my time caring for them?  I always knew that it was better to just be independent, but for some reason, I always tried to surround myself with people so that I wouldn’t feel isolated and lonely.  Screw that.  What is the point of having “friends” that aren’t even “friends”???  How could I be so dumb for so long?

I didn’t learn my lesson the first couple of times, rather I continued to be dumb and repeat my mistakes.  Such a shame that I wasted my time being a fool for so long.  From now on, it’s just going to be me, myself, and I.  The right people will come into my life and stay- I don’t need to search for people and hold on to them thinking that they are supposed to be in my life.  The fact is… they may not be the right people… so they should get out of it sooner than later.

Being completely independent is a hard thing.  We all don’t realize how hard it is to do unless we are forced to be in this position.  I’m going to take it step by step- because I know this is what I have to do in order to keep my sanity.  I’ve been trying to be patient for awhile now… but I can’t hold it in anymore- I HATE THE PEOPLE AROUND ME RIGHT NOW.  This school year has just gotten progressively worse and I find myself hating the people I hang out with more and more.  Perhaps it is just the fact that I’m getting to know them better… but all the same, I don’t like these people.  They’re obviously not the right people and I kind of just want them to leave- there’s always something new that they do that I just can’t stand.  And what I can’t stand the most from them is that they’re not genuine friends.  “Genuine friends” can be interpreted in a variety of ways, and interpret it any way that you want, but in my mind, a genuine friend is someone who is always on my side, someone who cares and will help me if I need it, someone who doesn’t ditch me for other people.  That’s not too much to ask for… really… And to be honest, I’ve only met one, ONE person so far in my life who has been a genuine friend to me.  Shows what kind of society we live in today…

And so… whatever.  I’ve lost the willpower to care.  Do whatever makes you guys happy- I COULD CARE LESS~~  Don’t expect anything from me, don’t judge me, don’t talk about me behind my back- just remember that YOU GUYS made me this way… YOU GUYS are the reason why I decided to not care.

I am not your friend, and you are not my friend.  朋友分分鐘都會改變.

I live for me.  I’ve been doing my own thing and I will continue to do my own thing.  The right people will come whenever the time is right… and they will stay, they will be genuine, they will be true friends.

Every day is a struggle, a fight, but life is life.

“Live and let live.”

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“At the dawn of the millennium, the nation collapsed. At fifteen percent unemployment, ten million were out of work. 800,000 students boycotted school. The adults lost confidence and, fearing the youth, eventually passed the Millennium Educational Reform Act, AKA the BR Act….”

Last night, I finished “Battle Royale,” a movie that I have been waiting for so long to watch.  And let me tell you, the wait was worth it.  Before seeing this movie, “Noroi” was one of my all-time favorite horror films… but now, I don’t know… “Battle Royale” is right up there with “Noroi.”

Now, if you’ve ever heard of or read William Golding’s Lord of the Flies, the concept of “Battle Royale” is very similar.  Basically, Japan is becoming a mess with unemployment and crap, so the adults begin to fear the power of the youth.  How to solve this?  Well, the government passes an act in which each year, a randomly chosen high school class will be sent to a deserted island to battle it out to survive.  Only one winner can be standing at the end of three days.

With that said, you can imagine the blood bath that is created on the island.  Even though most of the teenagers feared such an uncivil duty placed upon them, there was that one student that took the task seriously and started it all… all it took was one death for people to get nervous and untrustworthy towards one another.  And so friends turned against friends… lovers turned against lovers… etc.

Besides the blood and gore, this film posed some good questions.  What will our world become when we do not have the government to protect our stabilization?  Can we really trust the people we think we can trust?  Are we all savages at heart?  Will we return to our natural instincts in times of dire need… such as when our survival is on the line?  Who are we?  What kind of people are we?  These are definitely things to think about, especially since our economy dipped this past year.  Sure the world was not in panic, but what would have happened if we did get to that level?  And of course, this movie made me think twice about the people that I think I know.  Other circumstances have already made me lose trust in people in general… but I still questioned whether I knew the people around me as well as I think I do.  I mean, do I really know who my enemies are?  Do YOU know who your true enemies are?  And what about your comrades?

The point is, this movie isn’t just your typical horror film (as with most Asian horror movies).  Rather, there are deeper questions and meanings that lie within the film itself.  Essentially, this is what I enjoy most about Asian horror movies.  But I specifically choose this as one of my favorites because of how well the plot is formulated and quite frankly, it relates to me and my generation.

So that I don’t leave you completely horrified and fearful of your peers, let me entertain you with some funny things I found about this film.  First and foremost, I thought it was quite funny how every person who died would say their last words and then flop like a dead fish almost as quickly as I can blink my eye.  Just think about it, if someone turned to you while blood was pouring out of them like the Niagara Falls, and said “I love you,” and then flopped the next moment… wouldn’t you giggle a little bit at the unnaturalness of it all?  Maybe so, maybe not… but I would.  And secondly, there is one scene where this one girl chases this guy who threatens to kill her if she doesn’t have sex with him.  When she finally gets him, she takes her knife and stabs at his crotch so many times that I cannot count on both of my hands.  She twists and jabs and whatnot… Talk about a cockblock…  ㅋㅋㅋ

In essence, this movie is definitely one that you should watch… but if you get sick from seeing blood, don’t watch this.  There will be scenes in which blood squirts like a summer sprinkler. 😦 for you 🙂 for me.  Just remember, “Life is a game.  So fight for it and see if you’re worth it.”

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I’m still not sure what you are to me.  Are you my friend?  Are you my enemy?  I’m leaning towards the former, but nothing can erase what has been said and done.  You might have thought I was fretting over something small, but the truth is, I didn’t tell you the whole story.  And you called me out on it; you told me I was immature for not being upfront about what I was feeling.  But what you didn’t know was that things were already going downhill.  I don’t know when it started to happen.  One day we were best friends, and the next day, we were strangers.  At least that was how I felt.  You started… distancing yourself from me.  I’m not saying you had to tell me everything, but I was hurt when I found out some things about you from other people.  I felt like I was the last to know.  But all this time, I trusted you with some of my secrets and thoughts.

That day that you and I were no longer friends, we went back and forth calling each other immature.  The bottom of it all was that I could no longer trust you.  You suddenly became this new person, not the person I was friends with.  And I knew you were trying hard to figure out what I was upset about.  But, you have to know, it was just as hard for me to turn away and ignore you.  How was I supposed to tell you that I didn’t trust you anymore because you were a different person to me?  All I could do was cut our ties.

Now, a summer has passed and a new year has begun.  You have, yet again, changed.  But this time, I feel like you have changed into a mature adult.  And I as well.  We’ve both grew in so many different ways during this interim, for the better.  Time has made the past a blur.  I’m glad for this, because I do not want to look back into that period of my life.  Things have changed, you and I have changed, and that’s what is important to me.

I know our friendship will never be restored.  Once a vase shatters, it will never be perfectly smooth again.  Writing this has been really difficult.  It would have been 10 times harder for me to have said all of this to your face.

This letter is for me, for closure.  Wiping the last tear drop from my cheek, I’m ready to let all of this go.  You were a really great friend to me and brought out a part of me that I never knew existed.  You contributed to the person that I am today, and I am so glad that I met you.  We had some really great memories that I will never forget.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  I hope you can accomplish your goals and fulfill your dreams.  Even though I will not be there physically to witness it all, I will be there spiritually.  After all, we are still “twins.”  There is nothing in the world that can change that.



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