Daily Prompt: Childhood Revisited

Sure, you turned out pretty good, but is there anything you wish had been different about your childhood? If you have kids, is there anything you wish were different for them?

When I was a child, I wished that my parents bought me all the toys that I wanted and basically let me do whatever I wanted.  But now that I look back as an adult, I’ve realized how great my parents were- by holding me back from getting all the newest toys and wearing the latest trends, they taught me to be my own person.  I am thankful for that.  I am also thankful that I had a stay-at-home mom. Many of my friends had moms who worked.  Their lunches were roughly thrown together combinations of bologna sandwiches with juice and pudding.  My mom would pack me a box of rice  with 2 side dishes, water, juice, and a variety of fruits.

I really can’t complain about my childhood- but if I were to change anything, I wish I had gone outside and played more…  I definitely stayed inside a little too much for my own good.  My friends spent their weekends and summers playing outside in their backyards while I stayed inside and did work.  My summers from elementary school to about 11th grade were either spent at home doing math problems from library books or at 학원 (hagwon).  I hated it at the time but I can understand why my parents did this… I wouldn’t be where I am today, academically, if I didn’t go through that boot camp.  But I regret losing my youth to books.  Youth is something that I cannot regain or relive.

Having kids is a challenge- I don’t have any of my own yet but I know it will be a hassle to raise them.  They will disagree with me at times and reject the things that I tell them- but it is because they lack understanding.  When I have my own kids, I will stay at home and raise them myself, just like my mom did.  I want to see them grow with my own eyes and raise them with my own hands.  I want to be a mother who will always be there when they need me.  And as much as I hated doing work instead of playing outside, I will make them do the same.  They will hate me for it, like how I didn’t like my parents for doing that (I thought I was getting punished), but they will grow to understand why I did what I did.  But at the same time, I want them to treasure their youth.  In terms of balancing academics and free-time, I will let my kids decide for themselves how to create the right balance.

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Daily Prompt: I Got Skills

If you could choose to be a master (or mistress) of any skill in the world, which skill would you pick?

Sword fighting.  Knife art.  Whatever you call it, I, hands down, would love to be a skilled swordsman (-woman).  I don’t know when or how it all started, but I’ve always thought the art of sword fighting was really interesting.

When I was little, I really wanted to learn fencing but my parents thought I was silly… in fact, they didn’t let me enroll in any sort of kung fu fighting class (taekwondo, karate, tricking, nunchucks, etc.).  I mean sword fighting is kind of manly and outdated but I think it could still be a very useful skill and tool to have for self-defense in today’s society.  Sword fighting is one of those things that work in any century (past , present, and future).

In modern society, we have more technologically advanced means of weapons- guns, germs, and steel (you get my reference? *wink wink*).  But I’ve always preferred swords because they can be used for almost anything.  In other words, it’s a practical sort of weapon.  For example, skilled swordsman can use swords to defend themselves, cut up food (such as steak), take off clothes, poke someone for entertainment or to get their attention (lightly of course), behead criminals (capital punishment), and hook something that is out of reach.  I’m sure if I get a little more creative I could think of some more uses of the sword.

It’s one thing to be a swordsman and another thing to be a skilled swordsman.  I want to be a skilled swordsman.  If any of you have seen Rooftop Prince, the swordsman who accompanies the Crown Prince to the modern world possesses the skill that I want.  He is one with the sword… and can do any sort of trick with his sword.  When he cut up the steak at Tae Yong’s house, he absolutely did magic.  😀

I wonder if there are sword fighting classes that I can sign up for.

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Daily Prompt: Sweet Sixteen

When you were 16, what did you think your life would look like? Does it look like that? Is that a good thing?

Sixteen is the fruit of teenage years.  As a little child, I remember anticipating turning sixteen- it was the “cool” age.  I imagined myself hanging out with friends at our lockers, driving in roofless cars, and spending countless hours at the mall.  When I actually turned sixteen, I did none of this stuff.  Well- the locker part happened.  But life was life- I hung around with pretty much the same friends I had in elementary school, plus some new friends I made in middle and high school, ate the same food, and still despised waking up to go to school.  The only difference was the school work and the fact that I no longer played with Barbie and Bratz dolls (still couldn’t let Legos go though).

Even though my life pretty much remained the same, the hype around me was Sweet 16 parties.  It almost seemed like there was a competition- who’s party was the most glamorous?  I have to admit that I had a lot of fun when I was sixteen.  It was a different type of fun than I had imagined, but nonetheless one of my best teenage years.  Even though it was a good year, I also had negative experiences- I lost people, trust, relationships, and myself.

I was hesitant about my future.  I knew that I wanted a good education, nice people in my life, and to be quite frank, money.  But what I also craved was fun- the same kind of fun and glamour that I experienced at Sweet 16 parties.  I guess I could say that I expected my future to be filled with adventure, I wanted to be busy running from party to party, people to people, endpoint to endpoint.  At the same time, I knew that I would lose it all in an instant.  Everything that I experienced at sixteen seemed to only have a brief presence in my life, disappearing at will.  And so I knew what I wanted in the future would leave me instantly too… but somehow I was comforted by the fact that something else would jump in its place.  A future, a life with no permanence- that’s what I dreamed of at the fruit of my teenage years.

This year I will turn twenty.  Only a year away from legal age of “maturity” and only four years after the fruit of my teenage years, I believe I’ve already changed.  I am no longer the same person that I was when I was sixteen- I’ve changed a lot.  Experiences teach us all lessons- these past four years have taught me numerous lessons about a range of things.  Now, I want permanence.  Sweet talk and tasteless conversations don’t interest me.  In fact, I don’t have much patience or interest in many things these days.  I have goals and I seek to reach them.  Everything else that comes in my way are things that I just need to brush off of my path.

Bitterness and toughness.  I’m weathered.  One year can do a lot to a person.  Four can do even more.  Where’s the stability in living in the moment and knowing that something that excites you will leave at its will?  Many people these days like to think that they only live once and that they have to get all the fun out of their systems while they are young.  I used to see it that way, but I don’t agree with that thinking anymore.  Stability, permanence- that’s what I want.  Adventure is a nice touch to life and we all want it… a sprinkle of it… Surprises can also be interesting once in a blue moon.

We can never expect what kind of person we will turn out to be.  I wasn’t the sixteen year old I dreamed I would be.  I am not the adult (so far) that I thought I would turn out to be.  And this is the essence of life- never knowing what’s going to happen next.  Fate, as always, fascinates me.  We can dream, imagine, hope, wish, etc. etc. but it has all been individually determined already.  We just have to go along with everything, including some surprises on the way, to find out what happens next.  No previews.

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Daily Prompt: This Is Your Life

If you could read a book containing all that has happened and will ever happen in your life, would you? If you choose to read it, you must read it cover to cover.

Looking at my past, present, and future… is one of my greatest fears.  I am afraid to revisit the past- the good, the bad, and the weird.  I am afraid to see what I am now.  I am afraid of what I do not know yet.

The Past: What good is it to look back in time?  The good memories will bring smiles and laughter but the bad memories will bring back feelings of pain, hatred, and bitterness.  I take what I can from the past and move forward, hoping to experience even more happiness and remembering to not make the same mistakes.

The Present: There is an internal repulsion... But I am not opposed to reading about my present because I can make changes for my future.

The Future:  The worst of the three… Of course my curiosity drives me to want to know… but can I know?  I do not know if I am scared of the unknown or excited to find out what the unknown is, but something tells that I am not allowed to know.  My fate, my future has been set and I just have to go along with the ride and find out what happens on the way- eventually the future becomes my present and I travel along this idea until I reach the end-

The travel from the past to the future is a mysterious and interesting one… And not knowing what’s along the way- well, it’s a bit of a gift.  Why?  Because we are kept hopeful.  We are left to our imagination and a glint of excitement will always be in us because we look forward to the next day and what we have in store for us.  Sometimes we are disappointed… but disappointments are only obstacles that are thrown at us to see just how much we can take… and to teach us valuable lessons.

Finishing the book and knowing it all- what can I do?  I mean… yea I know my life story, even the ending, but I won’t be able to change the ending… and what if it’s the ending I don’t desire?  Who even gave me a choice??  Knowing will only make me greedy-

And so I guess what I’m really afraid of in this book about my life is the future, the unknown.  I’d rather leave the book closed and not start it in the first place… because I might be disappointed in the ending that was written for me.  I want to live life with a little bit of curiosity, knowing I have some surprises on the way, and quite frankly… with some mistakes.

The End.

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Daily Prompt: Oasis

A sanctuary is a place you can escape to, to catch your breath and remember who you are. Write about the place you go to when everything is a bit too much.

Everyone needs a getaway once in awhile… or every so often in my case.  Since coming to San Diego, I felt like I lost control of my life.  Many people think that San Diego is an escape in itself- the perfect vacation location, a paradise heaven.  Well… not so much for me.  If anything, my life has been mostly miserable here and sometimes I question why I am still here.  I keep telling myself to push through 2.5 more years of college here and then I can… leave… at last.  Life here has become increasingly difficult within this past year.  Each passing day gets tougher and tougher and yet I cannot pack my bags and move on.  Life is full of responsibilities and decisions have consequences- so I am taking responsibility and dealing with the consequences.

Thankfully, I found my oasis here in San Diego to help me through the tough times.  When so many things in my life go wrong at once or people drive me to the edge… I go to my oasis.  There, I find my sanity and a reason to survive.

My oasis is at the edge of the world, dangling above bustling lives.  When I am there, I enjoy the constant blow of the gentle breeze that leaves my hair in a light tangle.  There is a comfort in watching the rest of the world speed past me while I am held, paused, in time.

Most of the time, the edge is mine- silent except the sound of the wind blowing and naturally empty.  The edge is also very cold.  I tell myself that it is cold because it is empty and lonely.  But I need to be alone, so I must accept the cold.

Sometimes I just sit on the edge and look around below me.  Other times, I lie on the edge of the world and watch the clouds travel across the sky with intermittent appearances of the leaves that dangle above me.  Whether I am sitting or lying down on the edge of the world, I close my eyes to escape the blinding slice of sunlight.  Once I close my eyes, I let everything go, leaving only silence and darkness.

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