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Archive for February, 2013

I usually read entertainment news carelessly because it’s gossip- we believe what we want to believe.  But recently, Park Si-hoo, a Korean actor, is in the spotlight for rape.  Whether or not the allegations against him are true is not what I’m concerned with because I leave that sort of stuff to law enforcement, aka people who have expertise on investigating and judging these cases.  What I am concerned with is the reaction from Koreaboos to this story.

To be honest, I did not even know about this news until I saw posts after posts after posts from Park Si-hoo fans defending him on tumblr.  Why should I care?  People have the right to express their opinions, right?  Well, I am concerned with what the concept of “Korea” has done to these Koreaboos.  Kpop fanatics and Koreaboos have never been on my good side… the crazed mindset that they MUST go to Korea to find their “oppa” and the shameful pronunciations of random Korean words learned from dramas have always irked me.

I never believed that those crazy, obsessive behaviors would develop into … the ideology they believe in nowadays.  And the Park Si-hoo case clearly showcases their new values and beliefs.  Think about it this way- if the characters in this story were replaced with everyday average joes, no one would care about who raped who… and even if people did care, the accused is usually at fault (I do account for those once in a blue moon times where the girl cries wolf).  However, because this involves Park Si-hoo, a high-profile actor- wait, no- a KOREAN high-profile actor, suddenly the victim is blamed for being drunk and Park Si-hoo, the precious “oppa” is incapable of raping.

For those of you who do not know about the case, here is the story in a nutshell: a 22 year old aspiring starlet met Park Si-hoo at a bar, got super drunk, Park Si-hoo then took her home with him, she passed out in his apartment, woke up and alleges that Park Si-hoo raped her while she was unconscious.  As in most rape cases, the accused usually denies the allegations.

To me, this sounds like any other rape case I would read in the newspaper in any given country.  But because this took place in KOREA and involved a hot Korean actor, the story is viewed differently by Koreaboos.  Suddenly, Koreaboos think they are experts of the law in Korea and analyze the “rape laws, statistics, and age of consent” in Korea.  My question is, why do those even matter???  Rape is rape EVERYWHERE, and no matter the country, rape is NOT okay.  Also, the victim is 22 years old- age of consent is not a problem.  She is an adult- I mean, 30+ year old women get raped too and no one seems to care.  This girl is 22 and suddenly her age matters, for technicality, because the guy who she claims raped her “would never do such a thing.”  If such a high-profile case took place here in the US, I doubt people would analyze the laws and statutes as much as these Koreaboos are doing now.  We all know that this case is being magnified because it is in Korea and it involves a “hot oppar.”

It is highly unacceptable to pull random and false information out of nowhere in order to justify Park Si-hoo’s actions.  We don’t even know the whole story!  These Koreaboos believe what they want to believe, but rape cases are different.  They can’t just stick to their mindset that Park Si-hoo cannot do any wrong.  They need to open their minds and understand that there is a possibility he may be at fault.  I hate to break it to Koreaboos, but Park Si-hoo is human.  There was one post where a fan stated that even if Park Si-hoo did rape the girl, the girl is at fault too because she was drunk.  Okay, so she was drunk… doesn’t mean Park Si-hoo has a right to rape her.  She may have been unconscious but she wasn’t “inviting rape” by being drunk.

Another post claimed that Park Si-hoo is so hot and sexy that he “doesn’t need to rape women” and that the woman getting “raped by Park Si-hoo is lucky.”  Um- I think the problem with that statement is blatantly obvious.  When you’re famous and sexy, it doesn’t mean you get pardoned for rape.  In a country where “saving face” is really important, this girl was brave for coming out with this accusation… especially against a high-profile actor.  She finds the courage to step up and all these Koreaboos make her out to be the bad guy.

Koreaboos- have you no shame?  I’m starting to think “your kind” needs an ethics class… to teach you what ethics and morality are.

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Describe the last nightmare you remember having. What do you think it meant?

While I love to sleep, I am afraid to sleep at the same time.  When I am asleep, I lose my guard- I am unaware of my surroundings and lose control of my mind and body.  Sleep is also a passageway that takes us from reality to the world of dreams… and nightmares.

I think most of us would agree that we would want our dreams to last longer.  It is unfortunate that I really can’t remember most of my dreams.  They are a nice contrast to the reality I am in, but I can never seem to make them last.  The second I wake up, I lose all “memory” of my dream-

Now, I’ve tried lucid dreaming after I read about it in the newspaper some years ago (okay, I’m not super old… but it feels like way long ago that I was still in elementary/middle school reading Newsday).  Anyway, lucid dreaming is very, very difficult to do.  I am a separate me in my dreams as opposed to the me in the real world.  It’s like… I have no will, no control over the dream version of me.  I do what I do in my dreams with a separate mind.

Freddy KruegerSo… what does lucid dreaming have anything to do with nightmares?  Well, to me, good is to bad as dream is to nightmare.  If lucid dreaming is possible in dreams, then I’m sure it can be possible in nightmares as well.  Just think back to Freddy Krueger…  I know, I know- Freddy Krueger is a hellish figure none of like to think about at any given moment (let alone in our sleep or daydream, him visiting us in those place is a major no-no).  But, seriously, Freddy Krueger took nightmares to a new level.  He took control of people in their sleep- and when I was a kid, I’m pretty sure his nightmare on elm street had SOME effect on me and my period of nightmares.  To this day, I’m not sure what was going on with me when I was ages 3-5.  I spent those couple of years with nightmares almost every night.  They were short nightmares though- things like getting hot oil poured in my eyes, walking into an empty elevator, etc. etc.  In the middle of the night, I would always wake up and hear the faucet running and someone pacing up and down the stairs… but there was definitely no one around- everyone in the house was sleeping.

That period of my life was short-lived, but still comes back to haunt me on certain nights.  There are nights where I try to wake up by opening my eyes but I can’t seem to do it.  Obviously something terrifying is happening to me and I know that I’m dreaming… but I can’t just “leave” my dream.  Whatever these experiences are, I feel like there’s something that I don’t know… but should know… which makes me concerned.  It’s really scary to not be able to wake up- I swear I can even hear my family going about their morning routine and yet I’m stuck in the nightmare.  And when I say I can’t open my eyes, I mean that they feel like they are glued together and that I have to pry them open with scissors or something.

Come to think of all the freaky things that happened to me, I also believe I encountered my dead grandma in my old house.  I won’t go into detail but after an orange caused a ruckus and the TV mysteriously turned on 3 times, I believe my grandma was there.  You can be a non-believer of ghosts all you want and call me crazy, but I experienced it and know that what happened was not “coincidence.”

When I was in late middle/early high school, I would wake up nearly every night in pain because I felt someone snipping at my calf muscles with scissors.  I talked to my doctor about it, hoping that it was some medical problem, but nothing was wrong with me or my legs.  Yet, every night, I felt the same cutting feeling.  I was paralyzed in pain and could barely walk the next day.

Sometimes I really believe that I live in a horror story.  From a young age, I experienced all these crazy things that children that age don’t normally experience.  I understand that it is normal for children to have night terrors, but mine were not night terrors.  And interestingly enough, after my little bout with nightmares from ages 3-5, I became indifferent to horror films.  Seriously.  People think I’m weird because I watch all these asian horror films, which get pretty gruesome, and have no emotion at all.  I wonder about it as well- instead of getting freaked out and scared, I get this high.  For example, the foot cutting scene from Takashi Miike’s Audition is a scene I absolutely love and would watch over and over again.  Some of these types of scenes stick out and replay in my head.

So then- I haven’t had a huge nightmare in awhile, you know, those ones that scare you so much that you never forget them.  But there is one nightmare that I constantly had during that time when I was 3-5 and has periodically visited me in my sleep.  Nothing insanely scary, but I really dread this dream of falling down an empty elevator shaft.  This nightmare happens so fast (probably less than a minute) and always jolts me awake.  When I wake up, I am always on the edge of my bed.  But in the nightmare, I’m always alone, walking towards an elevator.  When the elevator comes, I step in without looking- ultimately, I step into an endless black hole that I think represents my death.  Why do I keep having this horrific nightmare?  I still can’t figure out the reason… every night, I prepare for this nightmare by remembering to lucid dream.  Well… the problem with that is that I don’t have lucid dreaming skills.

Sleep can be so comfortable and relaxing at times… but I’m always hesitant when I go to bed, especially at night.  I believe in ghosts… and I think death comes out at night to take people.  I wonder how many more times I have to step into that endless elevator shaft…

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Many of us think of our lives as boringly normal, while others live the high life. Take a step back, and take a look at your life as an outsider might. Now, tell us at least six unique, exciting, or just plain odd things about yourself.

I’d like to start off with the fact that as boring as my life may be (as a whole), every day is quite unique (okay, maybe not EVERY day… but most days).  Weird things happen and I get surprised quite often.  My life isn’t exciting in the sense that I’m a huge risk taker and that I “live life on the edge.”  I mean, I don’t ever dream of tight rope walking or sky diving… no… I’d squeal like a prissy little girl if I were ever in those types of situations.  BUT, I can say that there are things about me that people would never have guessed and quite frankly, I would never have guessed about myself.  Aaaaannndddd here is the post where I share some of these oddities in my life.

  1. I am a HUGE asian horror fanatic- I watch those films like no tomorrow… and they don’t necessarily have to be gory… plot and cinematography are the important parts.  Even thriller and psychological films are good!  I have to admit, Japanese ones give me the biggest high… especially their short stories.  Just saying…
  2. Yesterday I was at an outdoors social and I thought I stepped on a noodle… but then I realized that there were no noodles at the social- I looked down and saw a worm on my flip flop.
  3. I stood next to Brazil’s women’s national volleyball team.  OuO
  4. I went to the 38th parallel north (Korean DMZ) and straddled North and South Korea (in one of the Conference Rows).
  5. I hate black and gray socks.
  6. When I was 5 years old, I wanted to be one of those nurses who wiped away sweat and blood for the doctor.
  7. I used to get really bad motion sickness and so when I was little (either 5 or 8 years old?), I was the last to get off the plane when we arrived in Shanghai because I was still throwing up in the air sickness bag.  And then as I was getting off the plane, I threw up again (quite suddenly) right in front of the pilots and flight attendants.  Thank goodness I was little and cute because if I did that now… I wouldn’t get ooh-ed and ahhh-ed at.
  8. I don’t like it when people get too close to me.
  9. For about the first 3 weeks I was in Korea, I bowed to everyone who walked past me… including teenagers my age…
  10. Guys who speak Italian- enough said.
  11. I was born in the US and I went to ESL.
  12. I met golfer Andrew Choi!
  13. I had an obsessor (stalker wasn’t the right label…) and couldn’t get rid of him no matter what I did.  He didn’t cross into the danger zone or anything… but made me feel super uncomfortable all the time.  Thinking back… still makes me feel all weird.  *shiver*
  14. I used to really like this guy who is now a um… “demon doer.”  ((O___O))
  15. My 7th grade english teacher thought I was suicidal and put me in a really awkward conversation with her and my guidance counselor…  May I just note that she was also the lady who randomly went to the window and cried in the middle of class one time.
  16. I don’t microwave  leftovers- I just eat it.
  17. When I shower, I like the water so hot that my skin is red after I’m done.
  18. I sometimes speak other languages in a conversation (by accident).  If you reallllyyy listen and pay attention, you’ll notice it and go “wait, what’d you say?”
  19. I do accounting in my dreams.
  20. I have photographic memory… and I sure do use it. 😉

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Absent Change

 

Change is nonexistent to me.  I have never experienced change, I have never sensed change, I have never felt change.  There is no reason for me to believe in change.

Deceit and lies are existent to me.  I have experienced it, I have sensed it, I have felt it.  There is every reason for me to believe in deceit and lies.

People aren’t the problem, I am the problem.  Change does not exist in my life, only deceit and lies do.  The constant and vicious cycle of destruction hurts, leaving my mind, body and soul in ruins.  Every so often, I am worn out and tired from this game of deceit.  I am tricked into believing one thing… and then placed into the reality of another.

It’s interesting how happiness in my life can disappear as quickly as it had appeared.  No matter what I do to keep even a little bit of that happiness, I never win.  Nothing changes because life reverts back to its old self.  I find myself, once again, in shreds and having that conflicting feeling of emptiness and fullness, of acceptance and denial.

Each time, I find it harder and harder for me to continue.  Eventually, I’ll stop trying.  Because… what am I continuing for?  Change is not a part of my life and so there is nothing left, right?

Not many people can understand what it’s like to live like this.  It hurts and it’s abusive.  I am already losing control of myself.  I wish I knew how much longer I will last.

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Sure, you turned out pretty good, but is there anything you wish had been different about your childhood? If you have kids, is there anything you wish were different for them?

When I was a child, I wished that my parents bought me all the toys that I wanted and basically let me do whatever I wanted.  But now that I look back as an adult, I’ve realized how great my parents were- by holding me back from getting all the newest toys and wearing the latest trends, they taught me to be my own person.  I am thankful for that.  I am also thankful that I had a stay-at-home mom. Many of my friends had moms who worked.  Their lunches were roughly thrown together combinations of bologna sandwiches with juice and pudding.  My mom would pack me a box of rice  with 2 side dishes, water, juice, and a variety of fruits.

I really can’t complain about my childhood- but if I were to change anything, I wish I had gone outside and played more…  I definitely stayed inside a little too much for my own good.  My friends spent their weekends and summers playing outside in their backyards while I stayed inside and did work.  My summers from elementary school to about 11th grade were either spent at home doing math problems from library books or at 학원 (hagwon).  I hated it at the time but I can understand why my parents did this… I wouldn’t be where I am today, academically, if I didn’t go through that boot camp.  But I regret losing my youth to books.  Youth is something that I cannot regain or relive.

Having kids is a challenge- I don’t have any of my own yet but I know it will be a hassle to raise them.  They will disagree with me at times and reject the things that I tell them- but it is because they lack understanding.  When I have my own kids, I will stay at home and raise them myself, just like my mom did.  I want to see them grow with my own eyes and raise them with my own hands.  I want to be a mother who will always be there when they need me.  And as much as I hated doing work instead of playing outside, I will make them do the same.  They will hate me for it, like how I didn’t like my parents for doing that (I thought I was getting punished), but they will grow to understand why I did what I did.  But at the same time, I want them to treasure their youth.  In terms of balancing academics and free-time, I will let my kids decide for themselves how to create the right balance.

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우연처럼 널 만나기 위해 백가지 이유를 만들어.

I make up a hundred excuses just to run into you by chance.

When I least expected it, you made your way into my life, into my head, into my heart.  I didn’t know you well and definitely didn’t plan on being acquaintances with you.  You were just a stranger, like any other stranger I walk past on the street.  As time went on, you became a frequent visitor of my routine life.  Okay, so you were no longer a stranger, but an acquaintance.  No expectations.

And then… I’m not sure how- but we became more and more familiar with each other.  Still no expectations.  I thought things would end as abruptly as it had started- no beginning, no ending… and no closure.  

Yet, I find my presence, my life intertwined with yours again.  I don’t understand.  You were supposed to be a stranger but you keep making your presence known in my life.  I hate to think that our fates somehow have to cross paths because I don’t like expectations that aren’t within reach.  At the same time, I am curious why we keep meeting.  

I find myself increasingly wanting to talk to you, have a conversation with you because I want to understand.  And I may be wrong, but I think you want to as well.  You are quiet and like to keep to yourself, not very different from me.  But when I say something to you, you try to keep the conversation going.  I think that’s nice because quite frankly, you can just answer my question and not talk to me.  Like the other day- I simply asked you a question out of courtesy… well, also because I kept accidentally making eye contact with you for days already.  I felt obligated to break the awkwardness, so I asked you a question.  You answered and I didn’t expect anything more.  But whenever I turned around, you always had more to say as if you were trying to build a conversation.  So I played along, like the other times in the past.

It’s fun getting to know you.  And truthfully, I really enjoy talking to you.  But our conversations never last long- not once.  It seems that whenever we start getting more comfortable with the conversation and the awkwardness disappears, someone always cuts it off.  A knife that slices the fun in the air- that’s what it feels like.  Every.  Single.  Time.  

I’ve never met anyone like you, you are quite interesting and unique.  With you, it’s like time slows down… dramatically.  I usually get to know someone, at least the basics, pretty quickly after I first meet them.  You… it’s taking forever.  Everything is in slow motion… which is weird.  It also doesn’t help when someone always breaks the conversation…

Despite it all, as time passes on, your presence is leaving an imprint on me.  Every day, expectations grow and I find myself wanting to see you, wanting to talk to you.  Curiosity drives me crazy these days.  And so I make up a hundred reasons just to cross paths with you.  

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Every day in life, we are surprised by opportunities.  Opportunities come and go- sometimes they fly past us so fast that we don’t have the chance to grab them.  Other times, they keep presenting themselves as if it is our destiny to take them.  It is when they show up in our lives over and over again that we usually miss them.  It’s a huge mistake that we can never learn.

We constantly think and half of the time, we express our thoughts out loud.  The other half of the time, we keep it all in.  Some people like to say that we have a filter in our minds that separates what we say out loud and what we keep to ourselves.

What if we lose an opportunity because of our filter?  How much should we trust this filter that has been placed in our minds?  And most importantly, how many times have we lost an opportunity because of the things that we never said?

Words are a powerful tool- they bring us a range of emotions.  A string of words can change everything… the sad part is that we don’t always consider this when we are filtering.

We have a tendency to focus on the things that we did say and how we can take them back.  But we never really consider the things we never said.  We see it as a missed opportunity- but we repeatedly make the same mistake.  “If I had just said that, things would have turned out differently.”

Maybe not just opportunities.  Perhaps if we hadn’t held back and just said it, life would have taken a different course.  This is what I think-

In the past, I kept many things to myself.  The things that I never said grew into a huge pile.  It haunted me.  It made me wonder what would have changed if I had just said what I should have said.  The curiosity built up inside me and now… and now… when the filter works, I think about whether or not I should take the chance and see what happens if I say it.

“Life is a gamble” is a cliche, but cliche aside, it is very true.  We have to take risks and chances every day in life if we want to see everything that life has to offer us.  I admit that most times, I still hesitate.  I don’t know exactly what I am afraid of-

Today, I went for it.  I thought about saying it since last week but I never built up the courage to do so.  Today, I went for it.  I said it and don’t regret it.

 

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