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Archive for January 31st, 2013

The day started off all wrong.  Nothing changed from last semester.  I mean, at the end of last semester, things got better.  But it seems that the winter break erased all that was cleared up… and this semester is starting off rough again.  I don’t understand why she hates me so much and wants to challenge everything I do.  We barely know each other, are practically strangers, yet I get the feeling that she wants me dead.  Yes, that’s how strong the hatred is- I certainly feel it.  And so I woke up this morning feeling a heaviness upon my heart, my mind.  Maybe it’s karma… and I try to be tough on the outside, but on the inside, my heart aches knowing that I’m hated by someone that much.  I shouldn’t care but it makes me wonder about myself.  I think about how many other people I bother and what is it that I’m doing to deserve this feeling.  I mind my own business, really.  I move about in a robotic fashion these days, without a care to who I pass, who I speak with, who I sit next to.  I keep to myself because I’ve decided to lock myself away.  And I’ve been doing okay when I don’t worry about miscellaneous things.  Today… today… it was not okay.  My mind was heavy with thoughts.  Why won’t people leave me alone?  I’ve been okay with this new way of living- doing what I have to do and then retreating into my room silently.  But no- she wants to challenge the peacefulness that I’ve found.  Does it bother her that she doesn’t bother me anymore?  Immature.  That’s what she is.  A child.  I don’t play these games anymore.

In the past, it was bitterness that I always felt after passive confrontations with her.  Today, I felt sadness.  I put on a smile anyway when I went to class.  I’ve realized that sometimes, it’s easier to lie to cover what’s underneath.  I don’t want anyone else involved but me.

I was surprised today- truly surprised.  I waited for my class to begin.  The class was still pretty empty and everyone was occupied with something.  I sighed and was looking at my phone when suddenly someone jerked my chair a bit, scaring me for a second, and said “Sorry, excuse me- I’m gonna sit here.”  He sat down next to me and gave me a big smile.  I nodded and was turning back to my phone when he started talking to me.  He asked me all different questions… about me.  For the first time in my life, someone was genuinely interested in me.  I didn’t understand- at first, I gave short, concise responses, but he wanted more.  I was so surprised that I didn’t feel comfortable in the situation.  I kept trying to turn away but he persistently pulled me back into conversation.  I wanted to keep to myself but at the same time, I couldn’t ignore him.  He introduced himself to me.  His name is- let’s call him Magic.  Magic dug deeper and deeper into my roots.  We just met and already we were talking about my hometown.  He actually knew my hometown and to be honest, it kind of freaked me out.  But at the same time, I was fascinated at his curiosity about me.  Again, no one, no one I’ve ever met has cared so much to want to get to know me.  I’ve always offered general information as a courtesy… but today I didn’t and Magic asked it all.  He even asked if I was happy here.  I looked at him strangely for a moment, not sure whether or not he knew what I was feeling from the morning.  I gave him a vague answer, telling him “roommate troubles.”  He gave me a nod of understanding.  A quick silence and he broke the awkwardness with a tease.  Throughout the class, he kept making comments to me and at one point, squeezed my forearm (???).

So Magic was a little strange.  But he got my mind off of the heaviness in me- hence the name “Magic.”  It’s weird how he came out of nowhere.  I even feel like I might have told him too much.  I had a smile on, to cover the sadness underneath… I’m not sure if he knew.  I think he did because he kept asking how I was feeling and saying that he knows.  Usually, I’m not one to be extremely religious and “talk God”, because quite frankly… I’m Buddhist, but I wonder if God sent Magic to me today as a way to ease the sadness and heaviness.  His sudden appearance in my life today is strange and worth contemplating.  Of all the seats that were available, he sat in the one next to me.  He must have been placed there.

I don’t care if I never see Magic again or even if I never talk to him again.  He turned my day around.  Just when I started to believe that people hate me for my mere existence, he showed up and proved otherwise.

We never know why we meet the people that we do or why we do the things that we do.  But there’s a reason for everything.  And no matter how bizarre the situation is, there’s always a good reason.  For every down, there’s an up.

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