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Archive for January 28th, 2013

January 28

Today was the first day of classes for the Spring semester.  I should have felt excitement, eagerness, and nervousness… but I didn’t.  The only time I felt something was before my Cost Accounting class- and the feeling doesn’t even have an adjective.  It was just a rock sitting on my chest.  And my throat was a little itchy… but that’s all I felt.

For the past year and a half, I’ve felt nothing.  I can’t pinpoint exactly when I lost all feeling.  Some time in Korea- that’s when.  I was riding the bus home, it was dark out already.  I felt strange looking at my reflection in the window I was leaning against.  I realized that my life was falling into routine… and that I had lost control over my body.  I felt like an outsider watching my body move through the daily activities.  Each time I rode the bus after that, I thought about why I suddenly lost my ability to feel.

Time has passed and I am now a sophomore in college… yet I still haven’t regained my sense of feeling.  For some reason, today, this inability was heightened, if you know what I mean.  I felt like a machine just following directions, orders to do this and do that, say this and say that.  And more recently, I am beginning to find it hard to breathe sometimes.  Sometimes it’s a rock on my chest, like earlier today, and other times it’s something stuck in my throat, preventing my lungs from getting an air.

We take our sense of touch and feeling for granted.  I want- no.  I CRAVE to feel something these days, whether it be happiness, pain, or sadness.  It really doesn’t matter to me because I’ve been deprived of feeling for so long.  I need to feel something to remind me that I’m alive, that I’m still here.

Going through life with no care and no feeling is no way to live.  I’m just a ghost wandering around- apart from the world and the world apart from me.

Today is January 28 and I have no feelings today.  Just wanted to document this.

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