Archive for January 11th, 2013

Sinking of you

If you could read a book containing all that has happened and will ever happen in your life, would you? If you choose to read it, you must read it cover to cover.

Looking at my past, present, and future… is one of my greatest fears.  I am afraid to revisit the past- the good, the bad, and the weird.  I am afraid to see what I am now.  I am afraid of what I do not know yet.

The Past: What good is it to look back in time?  The good memories will bring smiles and laughter but the bad memories will bring back feelings of pain, hatred, and bitterness.  I take what I can from the past and move forward, hoping to experience even more happiness and remembering to not make the same mistakes.

The Present: There is an internal repulsion... But I am not opposed to reading about my present because I can make changes for my future.

The Future:  The worst of the three… Of course my curiosity drives me to want to know… but can I know?  I do not know if I am scared of the unknown or excited to find out what the unknown is, but something tells that I am not allowed to know.  My fate, my future has been set and I just have to go along with the ride and find out what happens on the way- eventually the future becomes my present and I travel along this idea until I reach the end-

The travel from the past to the future is a mysterious and interesting one… And not knowing what’s along the way- well, it’s a bit of a gift.  Why?  Because we are kept hopeful.  We are left to our imagination and a glint of excitement will always be in us because we look forward to the next day and what we have in store for us.  Sometimes we are disappointed… but disappointments are only obstacles that are thrown at us to see just how much we can take… and to teach us valuable lessons.

Finishing the book and knowing it all- what can I do?  I mean… yea I know my life story, even the ending, but I won’t be able to change the ending… and what if it’s the ending I don’t desire?  Who even gave me a choice??  Knowing will only make me greedy-

And so I guess what I’m really afraid of in this book about my life is the future, the unknown.  I’d rather leave the book closed and not start it in the first place… because I might be disappointed in the ending that was written for me.  I want to live life with a little bit of curiosity, knowing I have some surprises on the way, and quite frankly… with some mistakes.

The End.

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