Archive for September, 2012

Yesterday was my first day at work… and I mean… work. This is not silly teenager work… this is adult work.  If you don’t know, I am an accounting major so I started my first accounting internship yesterday… and hopefully I’ll be interning there for at least 6 months.  Any who, yesterday was just crazy- and it all started at 2 am…

The night before Friday I went to bed early in hopes that I would wake up refreshed and ready to go- all was good until someone in my building across from me started blasting music at 2 in the morning (the guy even blasted Gangnam Style at 3 am… and noraebanged with himself).

So, with the disruption, I didn’t quite wake up refreshed.  Actually, I woke up later than I expected and had no time to have breakfast.  I only had time to grab a bagel and ate as I walked… I was planning on finishing my bagel before I got on the bus… but the bus came as I was nomming.  Then, the bus machine wasn’t taking my $5.00 bill… that was just awkward having the whole bus stare at me while I was trying to shove a $5 bill into the machine… and holding a messy bagel.  The driver didn’t help- and he told me no eating on the bus.  I was seriously… seriously… going to smack him with my bagel.

(heehee… I secretly ate the bagel on the bus though O_O)

But as I was on the bus, this lady in front of me kept glaring at me from head to toe.  I gave her my “wtf-woman-don’t-you-dare-give-me-that-shit” look but she stared on.  It was scary… I didn’t even do anything to her!

Finally I got off of that bus and transferred to my next bus.  All was fine (very hot and sweaty though) until all these high school students came on to the bus.  I was stuffed… I could barely move because the bus was packed… packed.

I was so happy to finally have reached my destination… only I was an hour and a half early.  So I chilled on the park bench listening to music.

So, now to the work part:

Well, to be honest, when my boss started introducing me to the type of work I would have to do, I was kind of in shock… because a lot was getting thrown at me… my brain was not ready.  As the day went on, my brain adjusted better- but it was still a lot of info for me to handle all in one work day.  My boss was most worried about me understanding how to read the 990 and audits but those were actually fairly easy to me.  Rather, I had a more difficult time trying to understand how to work the email system… To some degree, I can work with computers… but to the other degree (?) I have a hard time looking at anything besides a mac computer (I had a hard time understanding a mac when I first transitioned from windows to mac).

But yah… pretty much… it’s like an adult job.  Oh, and I have to wear business casual attire to work every week… which means I have to get more business casual wear and I have to sweat in business casual every week- not looking forward to this.

It definitely felt strange to be thrown in the adult world so quickly.  One minute, I am a sophomore still in college… and the next minute, I am a grown-up working.  It’s scary to have to grow up so quickly… I’ve been on my own before and that kind of made me grow up… but it’s a different type of growing up.  Working… is not like college.  Working is not like having a part-time job.  Adult work is just… different and it’s hard to accept at first.  Especially since I am only a sophomore, I don’t feel ready to grow up yet.  I don’t think I’ll feel ready in 2 years either… but sometimes life throws you hard balls and you just deal.

Starting my internship has made me realize how fast time flies and that it’s time for me to grow up.  I simply can’t be a child anymore.  As much as I enjoy 유치 things… I need to change.  No one told me this, but when you’re an accounting major, things move fast, faster than any other major.  To keep with the pace, you just have to keep pushing through.

I am not looking forward to being grown up- so many responsibilities attached… and it’s just tiring.  But I don’t have a choice, do I?  I chose this path… and I have to accept all the challenges that I am presented and push through them.  It’s just the way things are.

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I always feel like I’m alone, isolated.  No matter how many people I surround myself with, I feel distant.  It’s because the people around me… well, I can’t exactly tell them everything- I’m just not comfortable with that.  Somehow, there’s this lack of trust; I can’t control what other people’s mouths will blabber so I’m afraid of sharing things with other people.  Friends, family… just people to me.

What I want is not really a friend, but more like a confidant.  There’s this urgent need to have someone who I know I can trust and pour all my feelings out to.  Like right now- I feel so angry and annoyed but those feelings are just sitting inside… doing nothing else.  And so there’s this weight on me, of moodiness, of disturbance.

I need a dependable confidant to seek… for tears… for hugs… for hitting… for late night conversations, etc. etc.  Before, in the midst of my anger, I wanted someone to talk to and so I looked through my phone book and rummaged through my thoughts, but found no one.  Not one person.  Isn’t that sad but crazy at the same time???  I figured that out of all the people I am friends with, I would have at least, AT LEAST, 1 person to seek- yet emptiness.

And this was the exact same problem I faced last year too- I find myself in the exact same position.  I thought things would change this year and I’ve been trying to have a positive attitude, forcing a smile.  But… “some things just never change.”  I can handle all of this inside up until a certain point- that is, before I hit my breaking point.  Last year, I hit my breaking point and that was just miserable.  So I’m trying to push through this year.

It’s really tough being away from home.  So many people here say they understand the homesickness I feel but they don’t.  Arizona, Colorado, Northern California- like seriously, shut up.  These states are fairly close compared to us students coming from the east coast and especially those international students.  I can’t even call home without having to worry about the time difference.  And at least some of you from nearby states or in northern California can go home once in awhile or have your parents drive down in emergency situations.  If I have an emergency and my parents need to come, the fastest they can get here is 1 day if they are lucky enough to get a flight on the spot.

So… it’s hard.  It’s so hard that I sometimes feel like crying.  Being so far away from my safe place… so far from my comfort zone.  It’s like I’m being tested on how well I can handle the obstacles thrown at me-

No person to go to, no home to go to- sometimes sitting in my dorm room feels like a jail cell.  It’s silent, just me, my breathing, and the tap of my pen on paper.  At those times, the emptiness and loneliness really hits me, over and over again.  And it seems that the more time I have alone, the more I feel like crying.  But this feeling has come so many times that the tears are all dried out-

Lately, I’ve been wanting to just sleep- roll into a ball on my bed and just stay there.  I wonder if it’s because I’m so tired from being empty.

However, no matter what, I will not break down like last year.  I have to swallow these dry tears and keep going.  Push myself to finish this chapter of my life and move on… that’s what I have to do.  I’m ready to leave California, to leave this school, to leave these people… and continue to find my life out there.  I know that pieces of my life are still missing because they are not here.  So, I have to journey out to find the missing pieces.  After all, they won’t come find me…

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The issue of ethics was brought up in my Business Law class recently- it got me thinking, “can ethics really win the battle of right vs. wrong?”

Ethics has always been an iffy topic because it digs deep into the innermost core of humans.  In any discussion, people will always say the same old words of wisdom, “do what is right… because it is the moral thing to do” and then give you the golden rule.  That’s just bullshit.  I mean, really???  People say this stuff all the time but don’t truly believe in it… so they don’t follow their own words of wisdom.  I have rarely, RARELY, met people who are truly ethical and moral ALL the time.  And by the way, these people are also the people who get picked on and tricked by quite frequently by the rest of the world, who are unethical, and to be blunt, evil.

Quite frankly, we still possess the trait of “survival of the fittest” from our ancestors- that trait is certainly not disappearing anytime soon in our human gene pool.  Let’s face it, we live in a world where everything is set up as Man vs. Man.  For example, a simple task of buying groceries is a battle- picking the best apples, grabbing the last box of cereal, etc.  We are a selfish species and knowing what’s better for society as a whole isn’t going to make us any less selfish.

We are taught to repeatedly spit out the rules of ethics and criticize others on their ethical behavior, but each and every one of us never follow these rules ourselves.  All of us have done something unethical at least once in our lives so far.  And why did we do it?  For personal reasons.

I’m not saying that being ethical is impossible but that it is something that will probably never prevail completely in our society.  1, 3, 70, 100 people in society can be ethical, but what about everyone else?  There is no way we can get the billions of people in our society to change their thinking and behavior; in fact, we can’t change what’s on the inside.

There will always be right and wrong.  I mean, we can’t have right if we don’t have wrong… and both are equal within us.  There are times when we choose to be ethical… and of course there are times when we choose not to be ethical.  We all have excuses and reasons as to why we acted in an unethical behavior but they don’t matter- we are simply human.  Humans make mistakes, humans are good, humans are bad, etc.  There are a variety of aspects of the human species that we are not really clear about.  It’s okay.  Step 1 is figuring out who we are- without denial and just being honest to ourselves, that’s the least we can do.

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There are times when I believe I am a fashion designer instead of an accountant.  I constantly have this inner conflict about whether or not I made the right decision… for my future.  Since I was a child (and I mean… child as in I didn’t even start school yet), I’ve been drawing human figures. My drawings started out odd and disproportionate, but over the years, they have developed greatly. 

In the fourth grade, I decided that I wanted to be a fashion designer.  I simply enjoyed sketching designs and making clothes.  I spent hours at a time drawing figure after figure, clothing after clothing.  When I was older, I even cut out NYC Fashion Week photos from the newspaper and collected fashion magazines to look at in my free time.  During school, I spent my lunch hours in the library sketching my next design.  Fashion was so amazing to me.

However, my parents thought it was so silly for me to want to be a fashion designer.  Even my sister thought it was ridiculous; I told her when I first decided that I wanted to be a fashion designer and she told my parents because she wanted to see their reaction.  It hurt to have my family laugh at something that I loved so much.  I argued with them about this because I hated that they didn’t support me at all- fashion designing was my dream since I was in elementary school.  To some degree, I grew apart from my family over this… they kept telling me that I would never get a job if I went into design.

Despite my love for fashion designing, I realized that what they said was right- the world of fashion design is very difficult to break through.  Did I really want to spend my youth pushing and pushing to make myself stand out from all of the other 980709871069807096897 fashion designer newbs out there?  Especially since I’ve always wanted to start a family before 30, fashion designing would hold back that dream.

And so I let go of fashion designing.

In my senior year of high school, I heard that some people in my year were going to fashion school- and to be honest, it pissed me off when they would say “I’m going to fashion school because I love fashion and I have great fashion sense so I want to share that with other people.”  That’s no reason to go to fashion school- seriously, just because they have no other skills but dolling themselves up???  And I may not be a qualified person to judge… but their figure sketches sucked… how can a designer design quality clothes on a figure that isn’t even drawn correctly? 

I am currently getting my accounting degree and it’s not like I don’t enjoy the subject… it’s just that my mind likes to think, what would have happened if I went to fashion school?  My life would be so different than it is now and that’s strange to think about… I would have different people in my life, a different lifestyle, a different personality, different experiences, different skills, etc. etc. 

Two years ago, my sister started medical school and she asked me to draw sheets and sheets of human figures for her to use as diagrams of the human body to study from.

A couple of weeks ago, when my parents were helping me move-in, my mom found my fashion sketches that I stored in one of the boxes and commented that it would have been nice for me to be a fashion designer if the field wasn’t so difficult to get into. 

Sometimes, I wish I could have believed in myself more.

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I moved back to school about 2 weeks ago (omg time flies) and I can already tell that this semester is going to drive me nuts- NUTS I TELL YOU.

The first week I moved back was filled with PA training from AM to PM.  Seriously… everyday was training, eat, sleep… training, eat, sleep… etc etc.  That was miserable- and then I had to help move-in freshman… let’s just say that move-in left bruises, body aches, cuts, and blisters.

This past Wednesday, THE FALL SEMESTER STARTED.  omg- I think it just hit me that I’m taking 18 units this semester.  And all my classes seem pretty hardcore- no joke.  I’ve been assigned so much reading already… and the semester just started… I’VE ONLY BEEN TO MY CLASSES ONCE EACH… and I have so much reading already.  I don’t know how I’m going to do this-

Plus, I just found out that I have an internship too- so… that means my schedule is super packed this semester.  I AIN’T LOOKIN’ FORWARD TO THIS.

Basically, I’ve realized that my semester boils down to nothing else but read, sleep, study, eat, shower, PA duties, and work.  Dude… what did I sign myself up for.  ((O_____O))

It’s probably going to get worse from here on… so better start crackin’ the books now than later, huh?

OH and I hope to continue blogging throughout the semester- but I feel like I won’t have enough time.

*sigh*  PEACE OUT, I’m going to go do some of those readings that I was assigned to do…

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2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 18,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 7 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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